


Thanks (I Love You)

by Anonymous



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Divorce, Established Relationship, Falling In Love, Family Feels, First Love, Fluff, Forgiveness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage, Memory Loss, Mild Sexual Content, Past Infidelity, Recovery, Separation, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-20
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:55:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 32,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23752690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Days before the official filing of their divorce papers, Chanyeol's husband gets into a car accident and wakes up with only the memories of their good years.
Relationships: Do Kyungsoo | D.O/Park Chanyeol
Comments: 48
Kudos: 204
Collections: Anonymous





	1. Now

-

_They were only in Tokyo for a weekend and Chanyeol had planned it to coincide with hanami-- specifically the annual cherry blossom blooming. He'd known it to be a longstanding staple on Kyungsoo's bucket list and it seemed right to do something like that for their honeymoon._

_But it rains in Tokyo. It rains before their flight, during it, and inevitably when they land. Kyungsoo is thrilled about it-- to be somewhere foreign, to be side-by-side with his new husband, but the grey skies are a disappointment. The pretty cherry blossom petals are everywhere in the city, scattered on the pavement, drenched in rainwater._

_Chanyeol takes him to the park early and holds the umbrella over him. The rains and the early hour means there are barely any people around. The park is quiet and the line of pink trees everywhere are pretty-- but somewhat underwhelming. At first, Kyungsoo considers that it must be the weather, or maybe the people, but then he looks at his very thoughtful husband beside him, obsessively checking the weather and the sites and trying to find some other way to view the flowers-- and it dawns on Kyungsoo that it's neither of those things. He looks at him; they lock eyes; and just like that, his heart hammers back to life._

_They get someone to take a picture of them. And then he grabs Chanyeol's hand and tells him that they are leaving to do something else._

_"Are you sure?" Chanyeol asks, even as the wind whips the umbrella with a spatter of rain. "We can try again later. Sorry, Kyungsoo. If I'd known it would rain--"_

_Kyungsoo shakes his head._

_"It's perfect like this," he tells him as he examines the photo in his camera with a smile, "We're here together and it's exactly like I pictured."_

_Chanyeol smiles, with a little uncertainty at first before he relaxes as he says,_

_"OK but let's take another photo before we go. I want a lot."_

_The next set of photos are taken with their own equipment. In front of their tree of choice, they take a couple more- as a couple and some alone in turn. Some serious. Some far beyond. And it was after they were developed, weeks later, that Kyungsoo spots how the rain disappears completely in the photographs. Even when it was very obvious in some of the shots just how drenched they both were after they abandoned their umbrellas - the grey skies seemed utterly forgotten. The pictures were bright, affectionate – reflective of the happy expressions on their faces. Between their smiles and their embraces, it all ended up just right too._

_Just like he pictured._

__

Breathe. Chanyeol had to _breathe_ or he was going to pass out. 

Drawing a difficult breath, he buried his face into shaking hands, then freed his hands into his hair - _Mr. Park, your husband was found_ \- in his pocket, he felt the gentle vibrations of his phone - _roadside. I’m afraid it’s very urgent that you come now_ \- the sounds of the emergency room were fading as he struggled to breathe - _I can’t tell you._ -

_What? What do you mean you can’t tell me?_

_I can’t tell you if he’ll pull through, Mr. Park. Our staff is doing their best. Please come._

He came so quickly that he couldn’t really remember where he parked his car. What was he doing before this? Did he actually call Kyungsoo’s sister? Did he forget something he was supposed to remember? The phone in his pocket was still vibrating. The seats across him were occupied by a couple - a man and a woman. The man had a stained tissue shoved up his nostril. The woman comforted him with soft whispers in his ear as she moved her hand up and down his denim-clad thigh. 

The phone was still vibrating. He reached for it and answered. 

The person on the phone was yelling rounds of questions. Chanyeol stuttered as he supplied the answer to the questions he could remember: the address to the hospital and - 

“No, I don’t know if he’s going to be OK.” He said, “I don’t - “ The tears broke through, the stutter becoming a splutter. The couple looked at him in unison. “I don’t know what’s going to happen. I haven’t seen him. I can’t be alone here. Please hurry.” 

Kyungsoo’s younger sister, Ga-young, arrived eventually. By then, most of the emergency room was full and Chanyeol had moved himself to a spot right by the telephone. With her, Kyungsoo’s best friend, Oh Sehun - the two were dressed like they had been out in a party. Almost matching leather jackets and tough shiny boots. 

“Where is he?” Ga-young was breathing hard like she had been running.

“I haven’t heard anything since he went into the operating room.” Chanyeol answered. 

“Shit,” Sehun wiped his forehead, “Shit.” 

Ga-young nodded towards Sehun. “Let’s go find a nurse. I’m sure they’ll speak to family.”

The two moved towards the wide automatic doors that led to the ward. Chanyeol followed them closely.

“I’m coming too.” 

Neither answered him so Chanyeol did what he wanted and followed. They were briefed on the situation after Ga-young found an A&E nurse who gave an update on Kyungsoo’s status. They were told that the emergency surgery for the brain trauma that Kyungsoo received from the accident had gone well and he was now in the intensive care unit to recover. It was good news but it wasn’t bad news; that was what the nurse had said. Something about the unfamiliar smell of the corridor made Chanyeol sickly so he decided to take a breather outside. 

With sticky palms, he sat on a bench, watched a noisy ambulance drive by, and did so for what felt like some time. It was with the intention of checking just how much time had passed that he realised that his phone wasn’t in his pocket anymore. He could’ve left it in a multitude of places. The chairs. By the nurse’s station. It was almost out of battery the last time he checked. The panic about losing his phone began to swirl - then clear - as he thought about Kyungsoo. Did it hurt? It must have hurt. He wasn’t all that fond about hospitals. They were both the same. They were always careful. It. Must. Have. Hurt. 

_It must have hurt so much._

Chanyeol rubbed his eyes and cleared his throat in the hopes that he wouldn’t have to cry again. 

Kyungsoo was conscious enough for outside visits less than 72 hours later, beating the doctor’s cautious estimates. Chanyeol, fearing the worst, had spent the past 72 hours shuffling between hospital and home in a numbing fog. Perhaps this explained his damning act - in that receiving the good news that he could visit pushed so much emotion into him that he agreed unhesitatingly to see Kyungsoo _first_. Before Ga-young. Before his parents. Before Sehun. At the break of visiting hours, he accepted the offer and came into the unit, unable to be distracted by anything but his desire to see him.

Him; he was introduced to a Do Kyungsoo hooked up to beeping machines and large plastic clinical packs on metal rods. He looked small and frail against them. His dark eyes were open and they were staring right at Chanyeol. The IV line began to wiggle as Kyungsoo’s hand’s made little stars and reached for him. 

“Hi,” Chanyeol managed. He moved towards the bed and gently took Kyungsoo’s hand into his. It felt cold to touch and he immediately wanted to kiss it. There was a dressing across the crown of his head. He looked suffocated underneath all the medical gear. 

“What took you so long?” Kyungsoo’s voice was untouched by it. It was the same deep warm voice - a touch sleepy, but still affectionate as he moved his fingers to brush back against Chanyeol’s knowingly. Each finger was mapped and touched down to the knuckle until the movements froze.

A question followed. 

“Where’s your ring?” 

Kyungsoo’s eyes blinked lazily as he pinched Chanyeol’s ring finger tightly between his fingers. 

Another question. “Did you lose it again?” 

The question had a simple answer. _My ring is at my apartment. The one we don’t share. Because we’re divorcing._ He looked down at his finger, how it crinkled under the gesture as sadness jolted his chest. 

“Don’t joke like that, Kyungsoo,” he said.

He forced a smile to soften the accusation. Kyungsoo’s face remained still as his fingers stopped moving. 

“I’m not,” he replied. “Did you leave it in the bathroom?” 

He shifted on the bed and said he was sleepy. As his eyes closed, he murmured, 

“Stay.”

It must have been the medication. This was what Chanyeol told himself as he responded with a reassuring agreement. As he rested, Kyungsoo’s hand didn’t stray from Chanyeol’s touch. The ring. Chanyeol looked down at his ring finger and thought about the time he had lost it many years ago on a trip to Tokyo. He’d left it at the hotel bathroom and spent an insane amount of his time organising its return. When he got it back, he remembered how all the annoyance faded away because of how relieved his husband had been.

It had been a while since Chanyeol had worn his wedding ring and the last time he’d seen Kyungsoo’s, it had been a gleaming circle on their dull bed sheets as Kyungsoo’s lovely voice told him that their marriage was done. 

_He is tired. It’s past midnight and it feels like the time for this has long passed. The fighting. The blame-games. The tears. As he sheds his scotch-soaked shirt, Kyungsoo throws his wedding ring at him and misses. Chanyeol stares at the silver band on the bed and sniffs as his eyes swell with warm tears._

_“Kyungsoo s-stop,” he pleads, “Can we do this tomorrow?”_

_“No.”_

_“No?”_

_“No.” Kyungsoo is stripped down to his boxers as he puts on an old pyjama hung on the back of a desk chair. He holds Chanyeol’s gaze as he points at the ring on the bed._

_“There’s no tomorrow, Chanyeol. I want to hear it from you right now. Say it. Say what you told me earlier.”_

_He tries to get out of it - of saying how he didn’t love him anymore - but his demands are dismissed. He reaches out for Kyungsoo as he starts to sob uncontrollably. The sound is damning for the hour. He shakes his head - “I didn’t mean it,” - he reaches out and tangles their fingers together, voice shaking - “There’s always tomorrow. Tomorrow, we’ll deal with it, tomorrow, it will be OK” -_

_“But it’s not OK.” There’s no anger in Kyungsoo’s voice as he slowly lifts Chanyeol’s fingers to his lips. His face. They’re close enough to catch a few of his falling tears. “It’s not been OK for a long time. I think it’s… done. We’re so unhappy. Look at me. Chanyeol. Look.” He looks but he can’t see Kyungsoo’s face from how painfully his tears were stinging his eyes. “I can’t do this anymore. I wish I could but I can’t. I really c-can’t. We have to separate. It’s the only thing I can think of.”_

_Chanyeol shakes his head as he sobs._

__

The rest of the Do family came and visited Kyungsoo in the unit. The true severity of the situation came to light after Sehun emerged from his visit and immediately dragged Chanyeol to his feet as he waited at the patient kitchen. The taller man confronted him with a hard push to the chest.

“What the hell did you say to him, huh?” Sehun snarled, “Why is he like that?”

Chanyeol looked down at his feet.

“Like what?”

“He still thinks you’re married.” Sehun spat. 

“Technically we are. The divorce papers aren’t signed yet,” Chanyeol responded, not wanting to intentionally rile him up but obviously unhappy with the confrontation. 

Sehun’s reply to that was a loud swear word. Ga-young appeared at the right time. She barely spared Chanyeol a glance before turning to Sehun.

“It’s likely that he has memory loss. I just asked the doctor. He’s going to examine him.”

She conveyed the revelation like it was nothing but it confused Chanyeol. It was probably the lack of sleep and the heightened mental stress but he found that he couldn’t follow the thread of the story. Memory loss? It wasn’t a possibility that had crossed his mind even with what had occurred earlier with the ring.

“What happened in there?” he asked. 

“I told him to stop asking for you and he told me to fuck off.” Sehun said before continuing to speak to Ga-young. They were talking about other symptoms. Other possibilities. Sehun placed a hand on Gayoung’s waist. He couldn’t remember them being close like that. But it had been a while since he’d seen them. 

Chanyeol then looked towards the corridor to Kyungsoo’s room. He didn’t have any visitors right now because his parents were still in conversation with the doctor. 

“Can I see him?” he asked them. 

“No,” was their strict and unified response.

In truth, their response didn’t matter as he figured he was going to do it anyway. Chanyeol waited until they left his side before walking back down the corridor and entering Kyungsoo’s room. The hospital bed was now inclined slightly to reflect his more awake state. Kyungsoo showed an obvious physical response to Chanyeol’s entrance: wider eyes, wiggling fingers, and a clear plea. 

“Chanyeol. I’m hungry… can you buy me some decent food?”

“Sure,” he said, looking down at Kyungsoo’s table which had two get-well-soon cards and a box of unopened caramel candy. “What would you like?”

“Surprise me. Oh. And I’d like a hug.”

The request was a little more out-of-the-blue than food. Chanyeol didn’t voice his agreement because his body was already in motion before he’d fully thought it through. Kyungsoo was confined to the bed, unable to move, so he committed to hovering over him in a partial hug. It was close enough to feel the warmth of Kyungsoo’s breath on his cheek. The vibrations of his chest. Gentle, he touched their faces together, closing his eyes, as he drew in the familiar sensations of Kyungsoo's form. 

“Sorry if I scared you,” Kyungsoo murmured. “I love you so much.” 

Chanyeol froze, eyes opening wide.

“It’s OK,” he managed to answer, “Just... get better.”

“I will.” Kyungsoo’s hand reached for his. “Don’t go anymore.”

“Don’t worry, I’m just out there.” 

“But I want you here.”

The sound of the curtains being drawn moments later was assaulting in the quiet room. Chanyeol was up on his feet in moments as Ga-young and Sehun appeared with the latter sending him a very clear look demanding him to leave. Chanyeol forced himself to say an excuse even though he felt Kyungsoo’s grasp around his hand tighten. The pair managed to keep it fairly civil until they were outside in the corridor. Sehun was back in his space in moments, backing him up against the corridor wall. 

“Sehun, what do you want me to say to him? Sorry I’m not your husband anymore?” Chanyeol sighed, “He’ll remember in a few hours anyway. I just want him to rest.” 

“You better wish he remembers,” Sehun spat, “Otherwise you’re going to go in there and tell him outright what a shitbag husband you are.”

“Sure.” Chanyeol said half-heartedly. “Until then, I’m going to go downstairs to get him some food.” 

The canteen was on the lower level of the hospital. There was a choice between a hot menu and some cold meal items. Chanyeol bought a few things from both- curry for the hot meal and some spicy snacks that Kyungsoo preferred over caramels and candies. He also bought Kyungsoo’s favourite cola flavour. When he returned, Ga-young and Sehun were outside with the doctor and Chanyeol caught him explaining that Kyungsoo would undergo a few diagnostic scans in the afternoon. 

“But first, he wants to eat. You must be his husband? He’s asked for you a few times,” the doctor said as he innocently allowed him entry into the room.

Chanyeol didn’t allow the pair to intervene. He came inside the room, smiled wide as he was welcomed by Kyungsoo’s face, and spent a half-hour helping him with some lunch. Kyungsoo could only manage a few spoonfuls before he expressed that he was tired. He chose to sleep with Chanyeol’s fingers entwined with his and his new favourite song playing softly in the background on Chanyeol’s phone. 

It was a song by his favourite Western artist released in a winter album: two years prior. Chanyeol remembered how they had made a cover of it in his studio. It had taken a single afternoon because with his arrangement and Kyungsoo’s voice - everything had usually taken a note of being easy and perfect. 

_Chanyeol had never heard of Do Kyungsoo. So when he auditioned for their band, fresh-faced and suffering from a little nervous stutter, he had no real expectation that anything would come out of it. But then Kyungsoo opened his mouth, showed-off that voice and it became immediate that he didn’t want anyone else. Yes, Chanyeol was only the drummer - yes he was only in charge of a 1/3rd of the decisions - but if X-O didn’t choose him as their lead singer then they would be the true losers because they would’ve lost someone like him. His lobbying worked. Kyungsoo became their lead singer and part-time keyboard player._

_Within days, they were all gigging together. Kyungsoo was different to their previous lead singer - his range was less but his sound was richer. Unique. And when he sang, he was captivating and the words were heartfelt like he was singing for you._

_As the lead songwriter for X-O, Chanyeol was barely coping with the surges of inspiration striking him throughout his day. Not only could Kyungsoo provide new life to their old songs but he equally began to carry the face of their new songs. Still notoriously shy when sober, Chanyeol doesn't say anything as he pens lyrics about the strange blossoming of new relationships and sweet smiles. Doesn’t say anything when he writes and smiles as Kyungsoo comes to mind._

_Yixing, their bass player and arguably the most musically talented of their band members became very curious about the additions to Chanyeol's portfolio. So, as per Yixing's style, he decides to ask about in public when everyone's a little high and drunk at a house party they were all at. Kyungsoo included._

_“Come on then. Serenade us.” Yixing says, handing him the acoustic guitar, "Stop being secretive, Shuckspeare. Sing."_

_"Shuckspeare? Bro." Chanyeol laughed as he shook his head. “Nah.”_

_“Come on!”_

_Yixing and his friends make enough noise to attract the rest of the room into the chanting. Chanyeol, for all his shyness, was useless in the face of peer pressure. He takes the acoustic guitar and plays down their excitement - “This is new OK! So don’t expect too much.” - The strumming goes OK, the melody is pleasant, but as he parts his lips - he catches Kyungsoo’s gaze in the corner of the room and he finishes on a stammer._

_The singer is standing alone holding a beer bottle with a smile on his face. He looks just as eager to eavesdrop as the rest so Chanyeol doesn’t see the point in not bringing him over._

_“Kyungsoo, come here. Sing this.”_

_Kyungsoo appears startled. “Me?” he points at himself, “Why?”_

_“Just come here.”_

_Compared to Chanyeol, Kyungsoo doesn’t fuss about singing a song - even one that he didn’t know or practice. Such was the prize of talent, Chanyeol supposed, as he hands Kyungsoo his little pocket notebook and points at the chorus that he was supposed to sing along to. With renewed excitement about the activity, Chanyeol starts to play his guitar and guides Kyungsoo through the song. There are a few odd notes here and there but Chanyeol finds himself observing Kyungsoo’s interpretation more intimately; how there were certain lines he sang a certain way that he would have never thought, certain pauses and breaths he didn’t put in for himself._

_Applause. The exercise ends. Yixing claps him on the back before leaving for more beers._

_“Perfect,” Chanyeol says to Kyungsoo. “Thanks.”_

_This is the closest they have ever been. Chanyeol’s eyes hone in on the cute moles on the other’s face and neck. His eyes, once he gets there, are large and friendly. Confident. Kyungsoo never takes his eyes off him, not even when he returns the stare. His smile is lovely - such that Chanyeol finds himself smiling even when there wasn’t any real reason to anymore._

_“You’re really good.” Kyungsoo comments as he points at the notebook. “Do you have any more?”_

_“Uh, sure.” Chanyeol flips the book open, “You want to try some more stuff?”_

_Kyungsoo nods and by doing so commits himself to his side the whole night. They sing a lot but not the whole time. They take turns in getting each other drinks and people took turns in joining and leaving them in their corner as well. But in those moments when there’s just the two of them, and they weren’t singing, Chanyeol finds out that they can really talk a lot. Maybe, down to the fact that they are strangers but the rhythm of the talk flows easy, the questions, the answers, the laughs, the jokes - it’s fun and he feels that there’s a beat between them. They’re matching each other and it’s making his heart feel things that aren’t a natural side-effect of beers and greasy food._

_“So,” It’s his turn so Chanyeol opts for a hard question. “What’s your type? You know. Guy-wise.”_

_“Drummers,” was Kyungsoo’s direct answer._

_Chanyeol practically chokes on a breath._

_“I also like boys with tattoos.” Kyungsoo smirks, like it’s nothing._

_Chanyeol blinks and looks down at his arm._

_“I have tattooes.” He says rather stupidly._

_The singer raises an eyebrow._

_“Are you asking if I like you?”_

_“No. Jeez.”_

_Chanyeol’s cheeks are beet red. He’s embarrassed about something - everything - and he thinks that next time he drinks, he shouldn’t sit near Yixing all night, a thought that he lets sit prettily next to the observation that Kyungsoo in tight jeans is an absolutely unforgettable image._

_The song they sing that night is included into their next setlist by an ever supportive Yixing. Chanyeol presents the song to the lead singer with a smile - pointing out a few changes he’d made since he’d performed it last. A change in the riff. A repetition in the second and third verse._

_Oh, and the line referencing **you in those tight jeans** now transforming into **the drummer in my dreams**._

__

The results of Kyungsoo’s scans were shared with his parents and sister. Sehun had left to rest so he missed out on the initial meeting. Chanyeol too - had gone home to sleep - so he received the news afterwards when Ga-young spoke to Sehun and confirmed what they had all speculated. There was an obvious shadow in Kyungsoo’s brain scan in the region associated with memory - so some memory loss was a likely possibility if not a certainty. As a family they planned to tell Kyungsoo together with the doctor. 

Whilst Kyungsoo’s parents had received Chanyeol warmly when they first met at the ward, they showed no insistence when Ga-young told Chanyeol outright that he should sit this one out. 

He didn’t argue with them. In a way, it gave him time to process the news on his own. Memory loss. It sounded like something that would happen to people in movies and TV dramas. Not ordinary people like Kyungsoo. 

The wait was a nervous one and the discussion lasted over an hour. When the family left the room they left it together. Ga-young was red-faced and in tears as she confronted her parents.

“He won’t listen to me, Mom.” She cried, “Why is he so stubborn?”

Mrs. Do looked at Chanyeol and waved him over. 

“Chanyeol, dear, can you speak to him. Please. We want him to agree to move back in with us for his recovery.”

“Move back-?”

“Yes.” Mrs. Do sighed, “Go in there and speak to him.” 

Although he didn’t really grasp the full meaning of the request, Chanyeol nodded his head and stepped into the room. Drawing the curtains warily, Chanyeol poked his head inside.

“Chanyeol,” Kyungsoo’s eyes were red. His voice was the same whispered tone he always had after he cried. “Chanyeol.”

It was like an automatic switch. Chanyeol dragged the visitor’s chair closer to the bed and reached for Kyungsoo’s hand like before, murmuring, telling him not to get too upset. Kyungsoo was like many people that he knew: impenetrable until faced with the stress of a family crisis, usually one associated with parents. Once there, he’d nearly always fall apart, crumbling, leaving Chanyeol to shape him back together and to reassure him that the storm he’d imagined had only been a little fall of rain. 

“Did you hear?” He squeezed Chanyeol’s hand frantically, “Oh m-my god.”

“Yeah.” 

“I lost-”

“Shh.” Chanyeol could see the panic in him rising. He used his free hand to reach for Kyungsoo’s hair as he stroked it gently. “It’s OK.” 

“Two whole years. I can barely remember anything and everything h-hurts and - and- they won’t let me go _home_. They want me to go back with them - “ His tone shifted into one of obvious agitation.

Then he looked straight at Chanyeol. 

“- which is just crazy because of course I’m going home with you.” 

Chanyeol exhaled deeply. So this was the reality finally shown in the light: the Kyungsoo in front of him was the Kyungsoo from two years ago. Then, he had been his husband. His band-mate. His best friend. They had been inseparable and self-sufficient as a unit. Knowing him as he did, Chanyeol knew that there was no way that Kyungsoo’s parents were ever going to persuade him to stay with them even in the aftermath of an accident. 

And it was also obvious that as the stranger to this Kyungsoo, the Dos had made the apt presumption that it was up to Chanyeol to be the sharer of bad news. 

It was up to him to break his husband’s heart once again. 

Yet Kyungsoo’s fingers were shaking in his grip. And he couldn’t remember any time, at any point in their history, when he hadn’t taken Kyungsoo anywhere that he wanted. Whether that was at a restaurant two towns over for a random afternoon date - or the lawyer’s office to discuss the division of their assets. 

There was no physical home to bring him to now. But Chanyeol was still here and he knew that the Kyungsoo from two years ago would’ve only known home to be that. Chanyeol. He was home just as much as Kyungsoo had been home to him. There was a decision to be made with all these considerations and Chanyeol’s heart made it easily. Like it was nothing. 

“OK I’ll tell them,” Chanyeol told him, as he wiped the teardrops falling down Kyungsoo’s cheeks. 

The shaking stopped as Kyungsoo calmed down, the redness in his eyes fading as he allowed Chanyeol to clean his face up with a tissue. 

“I don’t smell by the way.” He said after a moment. 

Chanyeol’s eyebrows scrunched together at the sudden statement.

“Huh?” 

“You can kiss me.” Kyungsoo’s eyes were still wet. “I want… a kiss.”

“Where?” 

Kyungsoo’s hand turned into a fist and hit him. With the remnants of a smile, Chanyeol moved closer and planted a kiss on his forehead. The moment slowed as he looked down at the Kyungsoo of today - his eyes, the same eyes, his lips, the same lips - and felt a familiar warmth spread through his chest. He kissed him twice more: a light one on the lips and then again on the forehead. 

“Have the past two years been OK?" Kyungsoo’s hand was on his, moving, touching, even as his gaze was still. 

It dawned on Chanyeol that he might still be looking for a wedding ring. 

“We’ve been OK.” He answered, far steadier than he thought he would as he watched Kyungsoo’s form visibly relax - the lovely smile on his face appearing brighter as his hand stilled and wrapped around Chanyeol’s knowingly. 

“Good,” he murmured. “I really don’t know what I would do if something had gone wrong between us, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol excused himself from the hospital room not long after. He made his exit after a nurse came in carrying a pressure machine to perform the hourly check on Kyungsoo’s vitals. It was only in the clinical shine of the hospital hallway that the full body of his lie materialised in Chanyeol’s head. And when it did, he was overcome with a tide of panic- agitated to the point that Mrs. Do had to come over and calm him down. A single comforting touch to the shoulder and he found himself falling apart, spilling over, talking about how he had cowered away from telling the truth - how he had blatantly _lied_ -

“It’s wrong. What I’ve done. I’m so sorry. I know I need to tell him. But - “

Mrs. Do hushed him. “Chanyeol, dear. We couldn’t do it. Not even Ga-young. He’s very unwell and he will need a lot of time to recover. The doctor said that he is extremely vulnerable to stress so we have to keep him away from it as much as possible. I think we all knew that learning about your… _separation_ would be going against the doctor’s advice.” 

“Is it permanent?” Chanyeol asked. “Will his memories not come back?”

“They can’t say.”

Chanyeol paused in thought. The situation felt impossible. He had never been good at this stuff - a weakness blatantly showcased during his marriage. Between the two of them, it was Kyungsoo who always came out with the answers to hard questions and the resolve to make difficult decisions. But after a breath and a moment of empty thoughts, he grasped the priority of their argument: Kyungsoo’s health. He had to give it precedence and naturally he did. 

“Maybe,” Chanyeol began slowly, “It will be better to let him recover for a while and if the memories don’t come back… then I’ll let him know about everything once he’s ready for it.” 

“Can you do it?” Mrs. Do asked as she withdrew her hand to her side. Her gaze was soft but strained. She didn’t seem surprised by the preposition like she had foreseen this as the only way out of this issue. “Can you take care of him like a husband again?”

The question was said with a heavy heart but Chanyeol answered it with a light on. 

“Of course I can,” he said as he fidgeted with his empty ring finger, “I’ll always take care of him.” 

__

_They don’t get closer than they need to. Kyungsoo and him. Chanyeol doesn’t really get it - how the obvious sparks of flirtation between them don’t amount to anything. He’s certainly got away with a lot less in the past. At some point he gets it in his head that the singer’s got his eye on someone else - maybe Yixing on bass - so he gets it out of his system._

_Then it happens. They finish up a gig at a bar and end up leaving at no-man’s hour. Chanyeol doesn’t catch a ride with the others because he ends up having too much fun catching up with an old friend. When he comes out, he spies Kyungsoo sitting alone at a bus stop bench. He’s got his hands in his pockets and eyes fixed on the road._

_“I don’t think the night buses stop here. Maybe around the corner on the main road?” he suggests._

_Kyungsoo turns back with that smile of his. “Thanks.” He says but he doesn’t make a move._

_Thankfully, Chanyeol is too buzzed to let it go._

_“You waiting for a ride?”_

_“Are you offering?”_

_He doesn’t turn back like he’s expecting a rejection. So Chanyeol does him one better._

_“I am actually. You coming?”_

_With barely any real conversation between them, Chanyeol drives Kyungsoo home as the man continually changes his mind to the point that they just end up just cruising pointlessly around the empty city. They pass the pretty places like the park and river-side. Chnayeol doesn’t mind. He hasn’t got anything better to do and there’s no motivation to go to bed when he’s surfing on a couch that has a possible bed-bug situation._

_“So, are you going to tell me where you really live or are you really going to keep sitting there and watch me waste gas?” Chanyeol asks him._

_“I might have to quit the band.” Kyungsoo says as he looks at him. “So I wanted to spend a bit longer with you in case I do.”_

_That was a lot in one. “What? Quit? Why?” He then added, “Me? Spend time with me?”_

_Kyungsoo yawns. “There’s no point in spending my time doing this,” he says. “I should do something proper.”_

_“Who the hell told you that?”_

_“My parents.”_

_“And you believe them?”_

_“Maybe. I didn’t used to. But tonight I think I do… and yeah you. I like you, Chanyeol. Why didn’t you ever ask me out on a date?”_

_The driver halts at a red light and throws his passenger a look. “You like me? Fuck. I didn’t ask cause I didn’t know. Can I still ask? Is it too late?_

_Kyungsoo laughs._

_“Don’t worry about it. I did the legwork and I’ll declare this our official date.”_

_“Our first date in my shit car? Nah, this isn’t happening.”_

_Chanyeol takes a hard right. He takes him to a convenience store and he buys hotdogs and spicy snacks. He knows they’re Kyungsoo’s favourite. They eat it whilst looking at the illuminated City Tower as it shifts between colours._

_Admittedly this was Chanyeol’s favourite make-out spot although he doesn’t expect that this date will go that far. Excited, he talks to him about himself and they play something akin to 20 questions. Their music taste and their types are pretty similar, hinted already on previous meetings but confirmed that night. One of the harder questions was ‘why didn’t we do this earlier?’ Chanyeol blames mixed signals whilst Kyungsoo says he didn’t want to weird out the band._

_They sit close to each other because the car is old and cold. Chanyeol, for all his shortcomings, is as consistent as ever and doesn’t stop staring at him. This helps him to figure out that Kyungsoo looks sadder than normal._

_“Don’t quit.” He tells him._

_“I’m not that good.” Kyungsoo replies._

_“You are! And you can be a proper singer if that’s what you want. Why not? I’ve seen lesser people make it.”_

_Chanyeol can’t help himself so he tells him there and then just how powerful his audition was. To the point that he’d wanted to end the day earlier because he just knew they’d found their guy. It’s obvious that it’s the first time that Kyungsoo’s heard this story. This sentiment. Perhaps ever._

_“Do you believe in this too?” Kyungsoo asks him. “It’s not just some joke to you?”_

_“Of course. As I live and breathe. I don’t really see a life worth living without music.” Chanyeol answers._

_The lights in the distance dance as Kyungsoo’s eyes shine with them. “I feel exactly the same. It’s my dream. It’s always been my dream. All I want to do is sing.”_

_“Good. Great. So don’t let others take your dream away. You know they don’t get that power unless you give it to them. So don’t. They’re all assholes with no dreams.”_

_Kyungsoo laughs softly. He touches Chanyeol’s arm - seemingly unknowingly but enough for Chanyeol to realise just how comfortable he felt around him._

_“You’re good at that, aren’t you? Words and stuff. Lyricist thing?” Kyungsoo asks._

_“Sure. You’re pretty good at that too.”_

_“At what, singing?”_

_“At stealing my heart and stuff. Potential boyfriend thing?”_

_Chanyeol gets a napkin to the face._

_“That’s bad.” Kyungsoo laughs as he rests his chin on Chanyeol’s shoulder._

_“I’m going to be a lot worse once we start dating.”_

_They’re close enough to kiss but they don’t. Probably down to the strong hotdog smell - or probably because Chanyeol has a feeling that the kiss will come another time. A better time. There’s not a single trace of sadness on Kyungsoo’s face now. Instead he’s smiling wide and holding onto him, tight, and then he says -_

_“You know, when I sing love songs on stage, I sing them for you.”_

_And in his shock, all hopes of a more memorable and special first kiss moment gets chucked out of the window as Chanyeol kisses Kyungsoo - sealing his fate, their fate, as he jumps and starts and falls in love._

__

Mrs. Do took the responsibility of explaining the situation to the rest of the visiting party. The situation felt more agitated when Sehun joined. He didn’t burst into fury as he had on previous occasions, presumably because of the presence of Kyungsoo’s parents. But there was no denying his obvious disagreement with what they had chosen to do.

“I guess when it suits, it suits, huh Chanyeol?” was Sehun’s vicious hiss as he brushed past him to visit Kyungsoo inside the room. 

Mrs. Do approached Chanyeol, overlooking the altercation with a smooth and easy smile. “Chanyeol, I’ve spoken with everyone and it’s all agreed. Once Kyungsoo’s discharged, you two can take the house by the lake. Kyungsoo liked it so much there. It’s not far from here and the fresh air and quiet will do him some good. Ga-young will take his things over. Will you be OK with moving yours?” 

Chanyeol said yes. 

“How about your job?”

“I can take leave whenever,” Chanyeol said. “Otherwise, I can work from home. Don’t worry I’m sure the office will understand.”

“Good,” she smiled. “Hopefully once he’s out of here he will recover well and things will go back to normal- oh and don’t forget to find your wedding ring. Do you still have it?”

“I do.” 

“I’ll make Ga-young look for Kyungsoo’s. Who knows where he put it.”

There was something seamless about what happened next. Not shortly after everything was planned out, it was shared by the doctor that Kyungsoo was doing impressively well. With enough physical therapy and ample prayer, he would be back on his feet by the end of the year. And then the happy news came: he was going to be discharged and all the preparations could now be executed.

Chanyeol was making the final arrangements to move over to the lake-house when he finally told his two closest friends about the situation: Yixing and Junmyeon. Both were childhood friends; one was an original member of X-O. The other moved abroad but stayed devotedly in touch with the entire goings on in his life. They were on a three-way-group call. Chanyeol figured that he would be too busy with Kyungsoo to update them continually so he revealed it all in one go. This was the second hour of the call. The majority of the first hour had been spent just processing and believing everything considering that the last thing he remembered sharing with them was how he had cried over Kyungsoo taking the custody of their dog. 

" _Why are you doing this_?" Junmyeon was older and practical. He was also sensitive which meant all his questions always contained a vibration of panic. 

"Because he needs me." Chanyeol replied as he picked a few pieces from his wardrobe. A hoodie. T-shirts. Some work-shirts for video calls. 

" _Needs you? Bro. He barely texts you back._ ”

"He lost his memory, remember? He doesn’t remember all of that.” 

Yixing’s voice piped in. Quieter, and always seeking clarification. “ _So he lost the past two years… man, so this is even before you quit the band?”_

“Yep, even before that.”

 _”Before shit hit the fan,_ ” Yixing continued.

“ _Please_ ,” Junmyeon scoffed. “ _Shit was already on the fan even before then._ ”

Yixing made a noise like he agreed. Chanyeol looked back at the computer. “You know that’s an interesting thought. If that’s true, I haven’t seen it yet. All he’s done is ask for me to hold his hand. Oh, and he told me he loved me.”

“ _Damn, bet that’s weird as shit.”_ Yixing said.

“ _Did you say it back?_ ” Junmyeon asked.

“It was weird,” Chanyeol affirmed. “No I didn’t say it back.”

“ _Oh. Well. I bet he thought that was weird._ ” Junmyeon said.

“Oh?”

“ _Yeah._ ” Yixing said with a laugh. “ _You two were like the cheesiest couple ever. Sometimes it felt like you were playing a game of how many times you could say I love you to each other in a space of twenty four hours.”_

“ _Yixing’s right. You should’ve said it back, bro._ ”

“Yeah, well. I didn’t.” Chanyeol looked down at his bedside table where the folder with his copy of the divorce papers still sat. He hadn’t touched it since he placed it there in what felt like a lifetime ago. He had consciously moved it closer to his bed as a simple reminder to himself that they were still missing his signatures. He could have signed them sooner but he had long decided at the very beginning of this process that he wouldn’t sign anything until the day of. It was the way he had always done things.

Last-minute and poorly-timed.

Chanyeol finished the call with the papers on his lap before he placed them in a box under his bed. Before he went to sleep that night, he opened up his safety deposit box in the apartment and took out his wedding ring which had been kept safe in the original box. He wore a few rings on his hand - but he’d only ever worn that one on his ring finger. The reunion was going to be strange but he guessed that wearing it again would hurt much less than when he took it off. 

In the dimness of his bedroom, Chanyeol slipped the ring back on his finger and took several deep breaths. The moment steadied and stilled. Returning the empty box to the safe brought his attention to the rest of the memorabilia that kept it company - mainly old pictures, photo albums, gifts and band CDs. He found one CD in a plastic pocket with letters labelled with black marker:

_JANUARY X DKS X PCY_

And then another - 

_FEBRUARY X DKS X PCY_

Curious, and a little tired, he decided to listen to April before he slept. 

_APRIL X DKS ♥ PCY_

_The incredible amount of time that Kyungsoo spends colouring in the heart on their CD does not escape Chanyeol’s attention. They had just spent three hours recording on the one free session a month they get from Hyunbin’s studio - and normally, by now, his boyfriend would be hinting very strongly about food and junk food at that._

_Instead, Kyungsoo has opted to spend his time colouring a heart he hadn’t drawn on any of their other CDs. His attention looks highly intense so he doesn’t disturb him and waits to make fun of him. Waits - until he puts the CD away and sees it for all it is. The strange and foreign heart between their names. Kyungsoo doesn’t say anything about it and energetically mentions how he wants to eat a hamburger as he lingers by the doorway._

_Chanyeol holds the cover up._

_“So, you love me?” he asks._

_“Yeah, I love you.” Kyungsoo says._

_He’s never said it before. Chanyeol is taken aback as he looks at the CD and then back at the boy._

_“Wait,” he grins. “Are you serious?”_

_“Yeah I love you.” Kyungsoo repeats before swinging at the doorway. “Can we go eat now?”_

_“But-- wait, wait!”_

_Laughing, Chanyeol drags his boyfriend back inside the recording booth. He flings himself back into the system and takes the CD out of the plastic. Despite all of Kyungsoo’s protests, he manages to coerce him into doing what he wants, which was this -_

_“I want you to say it - on record.” Chanyeol says._

_Kyungsoo’s arms are folded as he frowns. “Why?”_

_“Just because.” Then, he winks. “If you really love me you’d do it.”_

_Kyungsoo whines his name as Chanyeol waves his hand to tell him that it’s recording._

__

The recording grew grainy and paused for a while. Presuming it had finished, Chanyeol yawned and turned over in his bed. 

It was in the ticking seconds as he was closing his eyes that he heard it - a tangible crackle as the recording kicked up again and a voice rung out, familiar and ghostly - 

“ _Our recording’s all finished._

_But just in case you forget for some reason:_

_Thank you for singing with me today._

_I love you. Chanyeol._

_Don’t forget, OK?_ ” 

The sound of footsteps and a door closing. And then, his voice followed, younger, lighter. He could hear the smile in him.

_“Thanks. I love you too, Kyungsoo._

_Don’t forget!_ ”

The lakehouse was owned by Kyungsoo’s parents. They were wealthy business-owners and had multiple properties across the city. Kyungsoo had always said that the house by the lake was his favourite because it was where he spent most of his childhood. It was there that his love for music was birthed: with his summer tutor, singing classically over the Steinway Grand piano in the living area. It had three upstairs bedrooms and one mid-sized downstairs room that connected to the dining area. It was this room that Kyungsoo was going to take whilst they lived there. 

By the time that Chanyeol had entered the house to move his things in, many of the features he remembered about the lake house had changed. Kyungsoo’s parents had installed multiple modifications to improve accessibility, like multiple ramps and a removable lift. There were also obvious quick attempts of remodelling here and there and the lingering smell of bleach from the deep clean in the closets. It could never look new, not with its old Nordic cottage design, but it felt a little homier than a vacation house. Particularly, Kyungsoo’s room which Ga-young had decorated to closely resemble Kyungsoo’s room in the apartment they now shared. 

Chanyeol could’ve completed the task himself since he knew Kyungsoo’s tastes very well. Chic and simple. He liked plants and muted colours. He also liked movies and there was a brand new smart TV that could be operated by a speech all ready for him. For himself, Chanyeol decided to take one of the rooms upstairs for his bedroom and office. He chose the one with the view of the lake, which happened to be directly above Kyungsoo’s room. 

On the day of Kyungsoo’s discharge, the whole family came to give their well-wishes. Kyungsoo was taken to the lake house with minimal medical equipment, just those for cleaning his dressings, and to keep tabs on his medication. Just from a single look, it was obvious just how much healthier he seemed. He greeted Chanyeol with an embrace – one that Chanyeol happily returned. 

As Kyungsoo was welcomed in by Ga-young, Mrs. Do took some time to privately explain to Chanyeol how he was going to be assisted by a professional carer to take over much of the personal care that Kyungsoo needed. She would care for Kyungsoo in the day and in the night if she were needed. Everything else he needed could be requested because the Do family were barely a twenty minute drive away and reachable at any point. And then she produced something in a box and handed it to him. 

“Ga-young couldn’t find the ring so this is an exact replica we had made.” She said, “I’ll leave you to give it to him.”

He took it from her hand and got rid of the box. 

Chanyeol didn’t really get a moment with Kyungsoo until his family left them. When he entered the bedroom, the other was already sitting up in bed, playing with the lights using the voice system. It was then that he remembered the ring in his pocket. 

“How are you feeling?” he asked him.

“Tired,” Kyungsoo said. “But happy to be out of hospital. Something smells good. Are you making food?” 

“Just soup. I got you something by the way.” 

Chanyeol took the ring out of his pocket. Hesitant, at first, until he noticed the fond way that Kyungsoo’s eyes lit up at the sight.

“You found it?” he said with awe.

“Yeah, it was by the grass.” Chanyeol lied, “Your dad went back to the accident site and found it.”

“Thank god. I thought I’d lost it!” 

Kyungsoo reached for the ring. Alternatively, Chanyeol kept the ring back and reached for his hand. 

A bemused smile crossed Kyungsoo’s face as he outstretched his hand, allowing Chanyeol to inspect it. What should’ve been an innocent gesture - a tease if anything - felt like it became something else soon after, when Chanyeol slipped the ring on Kyungsoo’s finger and saw how perfectly it fitted. Nobody would be able to tell that it was any different. Sure, it looked glossy and new but Kyungsoo showed no sign that he recognised it as anything but his lost ring. He raised his hand and admired it with a loving gaze – the same gaze, which he gave to Chanyeol and one he received in return. 

“It’s still beautiful,” Kyungsoo said.

“Yes.” Chanyeol replied, “It is.”

_  
Everyone thought they were crazy. Getting engaged barely a year after meeting each other - and then married, a year later. But most people didn’t get the energetic pace in which everything happened: Kyungsoo and Chanyeol had practically powered through many of the steps and obstacles that typically stretched out a love story like it was a sprint. They’d had sex on their second date. Met each other’s family one month into dating. Met each other’s grandparents soon after. Their social calendars matched up. They were practically moved in since they couch-surfed on the same couches. The only reason why Chanyeol really waited as long as he did for the marriage was because they were broke as hell._

_Their poor finances was also why the majority of the wedding reception was paid for by Kyungsoo’s parents despite the fact that their relationship with their son was strained. This was Kyungsoo’s story anyway. He had described to Chanyeol how they commonly bought his love with money after a childhood of emotional neglect and a nightmare marriage. Naturally, Chanyeol was hesitant at accepting their help at first but Kyungsoo was insistent; if they’re going to buy my love, then at least buy something I want - their wedding, being a prime example._

_All of Chanyeol’s worries about the event melted away at the event itself. It was a beautiful wedding. Intimate and unforgettable. All their friends were present. They had a big ice-cream cake custom made to not melt for many hours. There were multiple musical acts - a string quartet, a band, their band, and they performed a duet. It was wonderfully fun and at the end of it all - Chanyeol used the savings he had left to take them to Tokyo for a short and sweet honeymoon._

_It was at the Do’s lakehouse that they chose to spend their first night as a married couple. It was the nearest property to the venue and Kyungsoo had told him many stories of how beautiful it was. Although it was very late when they got there and he was unbelievably tired, Chanyeol had to admit that the place was really something. Especially on that night – seeing the moon rest over the lake waters brought a sense of storybook magic to what had been the best day._

_“Is this the kinda house you want?” Chanyeol asks Kyungsoo as they sleep in one of the bedrooms together. The mattress was old and hard - unsoftened by the amount of jumping they attempted after changing into their pyjamas._

_“Um.” Kyungsoo yawns loudly. “I don’t know if I want a house, necessarily. I mean it’s hard to think of a house if I don’t know where I wanna live yet.”_

_“Oh, OK.”_

_“What about you?”_

_The question makes Chanyeol do his thinking face. The one where he frowns in concentration and Kyungsoo accuses him of exhausting his two brain cells. He does frown this time and Kyungsoo laughs at him before he crawls onto his lap and squeezes his lips together._

_“Faster,” Kyungsoo demands. “I’m going to fall asleep before I hear about this dream house.”_

_“OK, OK.” Chanyeol hums. He has been thinking hard because it’s a question he’s been asking himself ever since they set the date for their wedding. It only seemed natural that they would consider nesting somewhere next. He didn’t know of anyone who was married who was still couch-surfing in the way that they were doing. But not having ever had a real home to grow up in, or a house of his own, he found it extraordinarily hard visualizing its dimensions in his mind._

_So he opts to rethink, knowing that there was one element that a house would certainly need for it to be his dream house. Him. Them. So long as they were both in the house, it would be perfect._

_“I don’t know how many rooms or bathrooms my dream house has. But I know it’s got you and I in it. So it probably doesn’t need to be anything fancy. It just needs to be something we’re happy with and a place we can be happy in. Does that make sense?”_

_Kyungsoo nods as he brushes his lips against his._

_“Yes,” he responds. “I think that’s my dream house too.”_

_“Good,” Chanyeol smiles as he touches his husband’s face lightly. “Then I know I’ve married the right person.”_

_“You have. And I have.” Kyungsoo kisses his lips. “Love you.”_

_Chanyeol kisses him back._

_“Love you more.”_

“Where will you sleep?” Kyungsoo asked Chanyeol as he looked to leave the room to check on the soup.

“Upstairs,” was Chanyeol’s answer. “You need your rest. I’ll just keep you up with my snoring.”

“I like your snoring.”

The smile on Kyungsoo’s lips was undeniably charming. Chanyeol stood at the doorway and shrugged.

“OK, I meant your snoring.”

“But you know I might need your help right?”

Chanyeol thought about that question before it dawned on him that it wasn’t a joke. It was a reference to the fact that he couldn’t stand by himself. If he wanted to pee, then he was going to need a hand. Literal or otherwise.

“Yeah, of course.” He made a gesture with his hands. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Making a bedroom within a bedroom overtook making soup as a priority. Chanyeol walked around the lakehouse and picked out the numerous items he needed to move into Kyungsoo’s bedroom for his own bed. He needed sheets. A pillow. A comforter. His sleeping sweater. His chargers. He left the bed for last because he still couldn’t quite figure out whether he wanted to sleep on a bed, a mattress or a couch. Kyungsoo pointed out that there was probably a pull-out in one of the guest rooms upstairs. Chanyeol checked and found one - the least dusty one - and dragged it down the narrow stairway. It made a horrible racket when it did. 

He laid it down beside Kyungsoo’s bed and tested it out by squishing it beneath him and walking on it a few times. Kyungsoo watched him, smiling, as he prepared his sheets and pillowcase by smoothing it with his hands.

Eventually, Chanyeol decided that there was no relief and collapsed onto the pull-out. Rolling onto his front, he looked around the room and focused on the line of photographs neatly arranged on Kyungsoo’s bedroom table. They were familiar because they were the same framed photographs they used to have in the apartment they shared. 

Even from a distance he could pinpoint exactly what they were: there were two from Kyungsoo’s childhood - a smiley little baby boy on the beach - and the rest were theirs: at their wedding, in Tokyo for their honeymoon, with their band at the first international competition they attended. Chanyeol could even remember just how much Kyungsoo had deliberated over which photographs he wanted to frame. _They’re all perfect_ , he had gushed as they stood in the frame store with the photo album he had narrowed them down to - _Are you sure I can’t frame them all?_

_“I don’t think so. There’s about 40 pictures in there.”_

_“Are you sure?”_

_“Don’t look at me with those eyes.” Chanyeol plants his hands over his eyes. He knows the power of Kyungsoo’s gaze over him. It was borderline hypnotic._

_Kyungsoo sighs loudly. He tries to pull his hands away and Chanyeol pushes him away. They wrestle like that for a bit, just play-fighting, until the shopkeeper clears his throat behind them._

“Chanyeol?” They hadn’t spoken in a while and it took Chanyeol a minute to perk up and look back at him.

“Yes?”

“I smell burning.” Kyungsoo looked at the doorway, “Did you remember the soup?”

Much to Kyungsoo’s joy, dinner moved away from canned soup and towards takeaway pizza. Chanyeol watched a movie with Kyungsoo, one they had previously seen in the cinema, and found that Kyungsoo remembered a lot more about it as the movie went on. He remembered the ending halfway through and the plot twist that led up to it not long after. 

In the moments that precluded his sleep, Chanyeol wondered if that was how his memories of them would come back too. In shreds, teased out by moments of life as they spent more and more time together. He didn’t know whether that was a positive outcome but he hoped that the memories would come to Kyungsoo in a way that made sense. He hoped that he wouldn’t just remember the end as it was - not only, because of the destructive connotation of divorce but because it probably wouldn’t be very satisfying in the same way that an accomplishment felt far more like an accomplishment when you saw the milestones of progress that led up to it.

Not that their divorce was necessarily an accomplishment. But it was something that didn’t develop from nothing. It was a process with a beginning, middle and an end. Something Chanyeol wished in many ways he had understood before he found himself shocked and alone at the very edge of it. 

Kyungsoo woke up earlier than him the next day. Chanyeol knew this because he was woken up by the ‘zzzzzzzz’ sound of his fancy hospital bed as it lowered, just hovering from the level of his pull-out bed. He looked up and saw Kyungsoo peering down at him with a goofy look on his face. It took a few blinks for him to realise that the gaze wasn’t goofy, it was actually affectionate. He smiled like he’d had a pleasant dream and wanted to tell him about it so he asked whether he had.

“No,” was his response. “I just wanted to see if you’re awake. You weren’t but you looked cold.” 

Chanyeol glanced at his watch. “God, it’s early.” And then he shivered as he looked around the dim room. “And you’re right, it’s cold.”

Kyungsoo’s bed started to make the noise again as he said,

“Come up.” 

“Up there?”

“Yeah, come up.” 

Little more discussion followed as Chanyeol’s tall form ended up clambering into Kyungsoo’s hospital bed. The initial roll-in felt a tad ridiculous but the bed had an automatic heat pad and it was more comfortable than the pull-out. More comfortable than his bed at home even. To fit, Chanyeol had to wrap his arm around Kyungsoo, which he did without being asked, and he slept again with his face buried in Kyungsoo’s dark hair. 

When he finally woke up at his alarm - about ten minutes before the carer’s shift began - he jolted in his spot violently, shaking the bed and shaking Kyungsoo awake. Confused, he looked down at the hair and moved his arm away, and would’ve fallen down altogether if Kyungsoo hadn’t reached for him with an obviously unhappy voice,

“Stop moving.” 

“Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol murmured even though by then his senses had returned to him and he remembered where he was and what he was doing.

Kyungsoo replied with a ‘hmph’ before falling back asleep. 

Light had crept into the room in a natural manner, through the gaps in the old blinds and glass doors. Softly breathing, Chanyeol felt unusually calm as the initial grip of sleep wore away. Curious, he raised his head and found his gaze following the silhouette of Kyungsoo’s head on his pillow as it grew shapeless as a hump under the sheets.

It was still quiet when he placed a soft kiss on Kyungsoo’s head. The other stirred, made another ‘hmph’ noise, reached for his arm and wrapped it over himself like a blanket.

The first two weeks passed by as they settled in. Kyungsoo’s carer, Aya, was great and spent much of the day with him. Chanyeol was fairly productive in the upstairs office and aside from the occasional tech hiccup, found that he was able to complete his work on time to catch up with Aya on Kyungsoo’s progress and make dinner. She was an insightful helper, keen to give pointers on how to make sure Kyungsoo was comfortable when she was gone and to direct Chanyeol towards any concerns she may have had. 

Chanyeol had never been responsible for anything like this in his life so he noted everything she said like they were commandments. At times, he became so consumed with making sure that Kyungsoo got his medication on time and all the right appointments were booked that he found that he spent a lot more of his time outside of caring, worrying. It didn’t help that he was constantly being chased down by well-wishers - Kyungsoo’s parents, his friends, Ga-young, Kyungsoo’s band-mates - and any delay only had the potential of making these people a lot more annoying.

In reality the only real reprieve he was allowed from his stress was from the joy he felt with Kyungsoo’s continued progress. His husband was, as he was with everything, strong and _determined_ and Aya’s report on his health was only ever positive and upward looking. 

Outside of Kyungsoo’s health, the relationship between them progressed very _normally_. Chanyeol had been under the impression that he would find the entire situation overwhelming at first. But aside from the occasional mishap where he would mention something that Kyungsoo wasn’t aware of because he hadn’t necessarily been there, the length of time in which he’d known Kyungsoo and the depth of their relationship emerged as an irreplaceable beacon to return the routines, the preferences, the jokes and the joys about living with Kyungsoo back to him like he hadn’t been away.

There was something inherently wrong about reliving the past - nobody should ever have that luxury, especially someone as undeserving as Chanyeol. But in the circumstances that he found himself in, he found that he couldn’t help it. Knowing what he knew, he felt like he should only bring slices of happiness to Kyungsoo and that’s what he did. Everyday, he attempted to cook him his favourite food, made him his tea at the right times, played new music that he didn’t like for himself but he predicted that Kyungsoo would enjoy. The air between them was harmonious and fun - maybe reminiscent of two years ago, maybe not. Chanyeol didn’t really know and wouldn’t be able to tell. All he could be sure of was seeing Kyungsoo smile everyday as his condition improved brought him a sense of fulfillment that he’d deeply missed. 

And he had missed him too. All of Kyungsoo’s homespun habits that he could write a book about. The way Kyungsoo coddled him about simple things and tasks. The random (and often wrong) things he’d remember about people he’d seen on TV. The way he’d laugh whenever Chanyeol made a joke. The persistent hip-pinching. None of that had changed over time and they weren’t the things he thought he’d ever miss. Yet there he was, telling jokes, getting pinched, laughing, like he was making up for lost time - like he was feeding an absence within himself that was more frequently coming to the surface to breathe. 

It was obvious though, as the days passed, that Chanyeol’s energy was slowly losing momentum and there were points where he felt that he was really tiring himself out. He thought he was hiding it pretty well until he heard Kyungsoo say, “Do you want a massage?” as they sat together in the room, with Chanyeol on his bed scrolling on his phone.

“A massage? No, thanks. I’m OK.” 

“You look stressed. Is it work?” 

“Work? No, work’s fine.”

“Aren’t you going to tell me about it?”

Chanyeol looked up in confusion. Kyungsoo’s face was curious, not pressing, so he didn’t instantly panic. Instead he sat up and let himself listen as the other clarified his intention. 

“Your work,” Kyungsoo continued. “You told me you work in an office. But the Chanyeol I remember was in a band with me and the closest thing we got to an office was when we played the bar below one. What happened? Did you get recruited or something?”

Chanyeol laughed. “No not exactly.”

“So?”

“So, I applied for an office job.” Chanyeol said, deciding that was the simplest way to start. 

“So, you quit the band.”

“Yes I quit.”

“Why?”

“ _Why?_ ” The question echoed within him as a hollow voice, reminding him just how long it had been since Kyungsoo had asked him the same question. 

Kyungsoo had asked him then too because he was the type who liked knowing about why decisions were made long before the _how_. Chanyeol was the opposite. He didn’t think about the why because he just did things. So when Kyungsoo, of three years ago asked him about his reasons for quitting, Chanyeol simply replied that he had felt like it because he had. But in hindsight, that wasn’t entirely true. The story had built up from somewhere and after some reflection, he’d pinpointed exactly where it started.

“Do you remember when I brought you to Jonghyun’s house for his daughter’s christening?” Chanyeol asked. 

“Yeah, I think so.” Kyungsoo said, “Jonghyun who had a baby.”

“Yes, Jonghyun with the baby.” Chanyeol confirmed. 

His sudden change of career was one of the many subjects he’d reflected on over the course of their separation. Although it didn’t feel like a very big thing at the time, it was clear now that it had still occupied the space of a much larger picture. This was often the thing with relationships - it was really the sum of many little things that made the difference. A single choice; many single choices; combined, the fate of an entire lifetime. 

__

_To Chanyeol his bond with Jonghyun was the closest he had to any of his real blood-family. He was a first cousin, just a few years older, and one of the kindest people he knew. They would’ve probably been each other’s best friend had Chanyeol never moved to the big city to study college and pursue his music career. In the end it was Jonghyun who stayed, who committed to the whole small-town living thing, and made something of it. Admittedly, a part of Chanyeol had remained pretty unconvinced about just how happy his cousin was about this simple life he always raved about and this persisted when he accepted an invitation to go to his house for his daughter’s christening. Naturally he brought his husband and warned him that no matter how boring it became, it would be rude to leave before they had at least three platefuls of the catering buffet._

_The reunion started out predictably. Jonghyun welcomed him into his home and introduced Chanyeol and Kyungsoo to all his guests as the ‘coolest people he knew’. As per family party courtesy, they ate a lot and Chanyeol managed to introduce Kyungsoo proudly to a lot of people who had been wondering where in the world he’d ended up and who he’d ended up with. It was just as frantic as these events tended to be and the only point in which he was able to really take it all in was when he managed to escape to find Jonghyun upstairs in the nursery with his baby daughter in his arms. He was feeding her a bottle. Chanyeol said that he could come back but Jonghyun insisted that he stayed so they could catch up._

_Although he’s seen babies before, real or on billboards, Chanyeol finds that he can’t stop staring at this one. She is incredibly small, barely the length of a pillow. In Jonghyun’s arms, she looks even smaller. He stares at her as Jonghyun speaks enthusiastically about the house. They had bought it a year ago from a family friend and they were in the process of renovating the downstairs into another room. Possibly a playroom. Possibly a room to accommodate another baby._

_“Another one?” Chanyeol asks._

_“Sure,” Jonghyun says, “How about you. No plans?”_

_“Me? Like, uh, baby-plans?”_

_“Yeah. You and Kyungsoo have been married for what… two… almost three years now?”_

_Chanyeol nods his head. It wasn’t the first time he had been asked about it but it dawned on him that this would be the first time he was asked about it by someone with an actual baby in their arms. Generally, this question was asked between people who didn’t have babies and expressed clear preferences that they didn’t want any. So the answer that he usually gave - which was maybe one day, maybe not - was satisfactory._

_Jonghyun hushes the baby as she stirs in his arms. He continues to talk, undisturbed - “It’s better to do things step-by-step. We did the house thing then the baby thing. I know it’s not for everyone but you always seemed up for it.”_

_“Was I?”_

_“Yeah! You’re good with kids. Remember all our baby cousins?”_

_“Sure, but they weren’t… like,” Chanyeol gestures to the baby. “Baby-babies.”_

_Jonghyun laughs at him. “Same thing, bro. Trust me. Here, why don’t you try.”_

_Without waiting for a reply, Jonghyun moves across the space and places his daughter in Chanyeol’s arms. He freezes momentarily but Jonghyun adjusts his arms so it was just right. And then after that, it was beyond OK. Amusedly, Chanyeol peers down and finds himself smiling at the sleeping baby. His gaze then moves around the beautifully decorated nursery. With the baby toys, it was all a little messy but it was a warm and open space. It was hard not to want it, Chanyeol feels. It was hard not to want this when he really properly thinks about it and what it means. Jonghyun was right. Chanyeol had always wanted a family of his own._

_“The thing is, the band is doing really well. There’s no time for any of this.” Chanyeol comments._

_“Trust me, there’s no time for anything,” Jonghyun counters, “Sometimes you just got to ask yourself whether what you have is enough. Whether you’re happy with how your life is. And then, just go for it. I guess it’s harder in a marriage in that you both have to want the same thing for everything to line up.”_

_“Kyungsoo and I want the same thing.” Chanyeol murmurs._

_Jonghyun smiles wide. “Great! Well, if you need advice on anything, just give me a call. OK?”_

_The party ends but his thoughts about the matters discussed continue. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo return to the hotel room they were staying in temporarily for the next week before they were back on the road. When Chanyeol gets a moment to himself, he looks around the room and notices that there are things sticking out to him all of a sudden. No doubt because they contrast entirely with the pleasant features of Jonghyun’s family home - where their rooms were warm, the hotel was cold, where there was order, here was disorder. There were no toys in a mess here or magazines but a stinking mess of beer bottles and crumpled up paper._

_He sits on the end of the bed and reaches for Kyungsoo at the precise moment he leaves the bathroom. His shirt is damp from washing his face. Chanyeol presses his face against Kyungsoo’s stomach as the other laughs and tells him that it tickles. He is obviously seeking reassurance and Kyungsoo responds by tangling soft fingers in his hair and massaging his scalp in slow soothing circles. In moments, he calms and the rising restlessness ebbs away._

_“Can we work on the song before we go to sleep?” Kyungsoo asks him._

_Chanyeol nods and watches Kyungsoo as he inelegantly tiptoes over the mess. He realises it then but doesn’t admit it much later. How he’d finally had enough of living the way they were living. How he needed something different. How in that moment, he’d pictured a life that was completely disparate from what they were living and it was this new desire that he wanted to shift their lives to._

__

“I was tired of being on the road. I just wanted something different. Simpler. I wanted to have an address, a house, a place that we could own and have together. So I told Jonghyun and he set me up with an entry-level job with someone he knew in the city. I told you about it afterward and then… we just went on.” 

Chanyeol paused as he looked at Kyungsoo who had been listening intently to the story. His face was very still and when he spoke, his voice felt distant like he wasn’t very confident about his question. 

“How’s it going?” Kyungsoo asked. 

“Going? The job? It’s going well. I’m an executive now. My pay is relatively good. And I’m pretty good at it.” Chanyeol answered. 

A pause followed. Kyungsoo’s eyes were unfocused, presumably because of how deeply he was thinking. Chanyeol felt like offering him comfort although he wasn’t exactly sure what he could say considering by all accounts that there was nothing to be distressed about. 

“Are you surprised?” He asked. 

“I am,” was Kyungsoo’s swift answer. “How... did I take it?”

The question made Chanyeol smile sadly. 

_Chanyeol told Kyungsoo about his new job at a restaurant over dinner. The place was busy and they could barely hear each other. This was probably a good thing as Kyungsoo spent a long time thinking before he spoke. And when he did, it was after a liquor shot._

_“You’re not serious are you?” he says, “This doesn’t make any sense.”_

_“I’m serious.” Chanyeol says._

_“But that means,” Kyungsoo pauses as a rowdy set of people leave the restaurant, singing, “This changes everything, Chanyeol.”_

A part of Chanyeol still remembered feeling very alone in the days that followed Kyungsoo’s response to his admission. For weeks, Kyungsoo took this very substantial change in his life and reduced it to something minimal by telling him that he would change his mind eventually and that what he was saying wasn’t something he necessarily _meant_. Chanyeol also noted that this was the first point in their marriage where he thought that they genuinely began to fight each other over views that were misaligned. An observation that was new and terrifying for someone who had believed, albeit naively, that they would always be on the same page; invincible. 

“I think you were kinda sad. Kinda like you are now,” Chanyeol said.

“I do feel sad,” Kyungsoo scratched his head. “And you’re sad too, aren’t you?”

“I am.” Chanyeol confirmed, “Cause you are.”

“I think I’m sad because I really love being in the band with you. Just trying to imagine it without you, now, it doesn’t seem like it would be half as fun.” Kyungsoo admitted.

And then he exhaled loudly, like he was releasing a deep sigh.

“But I don’t think you should feel sad if that’s what you wanted to do,” Kyungsoo said. “I mean, you were entitled to do that Chanyeol. You should feel happy. _I’m happy_. I’m very happy for you. I’m glad it’s going well.” 

The words felt strange because they were all new. Chanyeol looked at him in disbelief before looking to the floor. Back then, the topic just went away with the affirmation that time would take care of it and that what he had done was done so there was no point in saying anything more about it. So all of his concerns about his job - all the anxieties he had about starting new - were stifled in their marriage and found their voice in conversations with other people. This had all been well and good but it was clear to Chanyeol now that nothing would’ve comforted him more than hearing Kyungsoo say the words that he had just said. 

“Thanks Kyungsoo,” he told him - the Kyungsoo now, and in some way, the Kyungsoo of the past - “I did what I did for the two of us too, you know? It wasn’t just for me.” 

Kyungsoo smiled softly. “I know _you_ , Chanyeol so I know that.” 

“Really? Thanks.” 

“Hey. Why are you thanking me?” 

“Because... I needed this so much.” 

There were so many times in the fights that followed where Kyungsoo accused him of being _selfish_ and he’d always believed that this sentiment all came from the choice he made to leave music. To Kyungsoo, Chanyeol had been the one to allow the first domino piece to fall. To hear - and to know - and to be understood like this now eased a heaviness in Chanyeol that he now realised he had really struggled to hold. 

“But you already know everything I’m telling you, don’t you?” Kyungsoo sounded bemused as he pulled Chanyeol closer to him, “Chanyeol?” 

Chanyeol nodded weakly.

“I want you to be happy.” Kyungsoo said.

“Me too. I want you and I to be happy in an apartment without bed-bugs.”

Kyungsoo laughed. 

“And you liked our apartment,” continued Chanyeol as he looked around the room around them, remembering the room they had shared and made their own. It was much smaller, much less fancier, but it was so, amazingly, special - “I got it for cheap because the landlord owns one of the bars we always went to. We picked out all the furniture, all the lights, all the wallpaper and all of the decoration was from our tours. We worked hard on it in the same way we worked on our songs. It was ours and… we made it our own.” 

_It’s a continuing joke in their office that the intern is always on his computer looking at furniture. This meant that everyone made a point of tagging and CC-ing him in things that involved jokes about chairs, cabinets, phallic-shaped kitchen utensils. The lot. Chanyeol let them laugh because at the end of the day, he was happy to get all sorts of inspiration because their new apartment was empty and he was desperate to fill it and make it look like the homes in the magazines that he looked through in his breaks._

_He thinks about it constantly. How do you make a house a home? And how do you do that, quickly? - because the 9-5 life didn’t leave him enough time in the day to do anything properly._

_He comes home one evening with this thought ticking in his head. The apartment is quiet and it’s late because he’d gone out with the rest of his office for daily drinks. He takes everything off - shoes, blazer, bag, socks - and steps in to find the same half-empty apartment with a half-finished thing in the middle of the living room. It looked like a flat solid rectangle at first until he noticed the four cylindrical arms neatly set beside it. A table in process. A single look into the bedroom provides the answer for his silent question. Kyungsoo is asleep, tummy first on the bed, with a pamphlet crumpled in his right fist. Instructions for a small living room table._

_He’s leaving for a whole weekend with the band and had promised Chanyeol that he’d get it done before he leaves the next day. Chanyeol had challenged him but hadn’t necessarily expected that he would get it done. He just wanted to tease him._

_With a smile, he sits on the edge of the bed and takes the pamphlet away. Kyungsoo wakes a little and murmurs something that sounds like his name before falling asleep again._

_“Long day?” he asks._

_“Hmmm.” Kyungsoo answers as he turns away and burrows closer into the pillow. “Love you too.”_

_“I like the table,” Chanyeol hums. He changes his clothes and comes to the odd recollection that it had been a long time since he’d worn something nice. The reason being that it had been a long time since he and Kyungsoo had done anything nice. Together. Kyungsoo was always in gigs but they were often so far in the city and late at night that they rarely corresponded with Chanyeol’s work schedule._

_He tells Kyungsoo that he’s missed him and places about a hundred kisses on his head._

_Kyungsoo sighs and pinches his hip._

_When Chanyeol wakes up the next day, the table is finished and there’s a note on it that reads - **LEFT EARLY.  
SEE YOU ON MONDAY.  
THANKS. I LOVE YOU. :)**_

_Chanyeol smiles and unpacks a few more of the furniture they’d ordered and fixes them up alone. By the time that Kyungsoo comes home on Monday, the apartment is a little less empty, but what he thinks about it, Chanyeol never gets to ask as they barely see each other that week._

_More furniture gets fixed up during the day. Night._

_They communicate through notes and late-night kisses._

_Months pass and it begins to dawn on Chanyeol that there are nights when he doesn’t even know where Kyungsoo is._

_The notes get shorter._

_He starts to imagine that he’s asleep beside him but then he gets a text from the studio saying that he’s busy and he won’t be able to make their weekend getaway._

_The notes disappear._

_There’s a part of him, a growing part, that starts to dread coming home to a dark apartment._

__

Giving their apartment up became the ultimate reinforcement to the burning feeling of failure that Chanyeol felt about the decline of their marriage. It was something that Kyungsoo - this Kyungsoo - couldn’t know and so he didn’t mention. Instead Chanyeol chose to continue living in this little fantasy of theirs, where the one home he cherished and loved still existed, and the only man he wanted to share it with was excited to see it and live within its walls once again. 

Kyungsoo asked whether they had many house plants. Apparently he’d seen on the news that this was very healthy for a home. Chanyeol said yes - but there was always room for more. He wasn’t going to stand in the way of any further decoration.

“Whatever you want,” Chanyeol told him. Kyungsoo placed his head on his chest as they lay on the bed, “We’ll make room for it.”

Kyungsoo grew silent, with a smile on his face. And for a while Chanyeol lost himself in his own thoughts about the apartment. He remembered its imperfections – the thin walls, the leaky shower, the mosquito summer problem – but at the same time, its fair share of good times. The countless dinners they made for each other. The sticky notes. The inappropriate and non-classy polaroids on the fridge. The special movie nights. The random games they’d play: like the recreation of the end Titanic scene because Kyungsoo wanted to prove to him that Leonardo DiCaprio’s death had been an unnecessary one. 

“I must be so lonely without you there.” Kyungsoo said, looking up at him. “It would’ve been sad not having you at gigs. And then not having you at home because you work so much.” 

“Yeah.” Chanyeol said, “I think so too.” 

“There’s a lot that can fall between the gaps when people don’t see each other.”

A truer sentiment was never shared. Chanyeol nodded in agreement, 

“That’s true,” he replied, “and I missed you a hell of a lot.” 

“Of course you did,” Kyungsoo sighed, as he settled back into him. “I’m sorry to tell you but you wouldn’t know what to do without me around.” 

Chanyeol laughed, agreeing very much with that. 

Whether he was intentionally hesitating or it came out of genuine forgetfulness, Kyungsoo didn’t ask many more questions about their past. Chanyeol presumed that it was a mix of the two with plenty of the latter. Despite his improving condition, Kyungsoo’s memory continued to be spotty in places - even during day-to-day activities - and it wouldn’t be unreasonable to say that he could forget a discussion that only happened a few days before. 

What was a more crucial observation was how heavily this weighed on Kyungsoo’s mental health. Despite many of his physical functions showing a speedy recovery, it was obvious that Kyungsoo was continuing to suffer the negative effects of a severe head injury. He had bad moods - one that made him so deeply upset that he would avoid care and stay in bed all day - and similarly, he would have very sad moods where he would cry inconsolably and refuse to let anyone comfort him. 

Aya always called him during the sad moods and Chanyeol always came down to try and comfort Kyungsoo. In the most recent episode, Kyungsoo let him embrace him and allowed him to calm him with soothing words. When he stopped crying and settled, it occurred to Chanyeol just how quiet his room was in the daytime. This wasn’t something that Kyungsoo was used to. Back when they lived together and even before, there was always noise, always raucous, and always _music_.

Chanyeol came up with the idea of having a new speaker system in Kyungsoo’s room. He installed it and also bought him a karaoke machine because he saw it come up as a suggestion when he was shopping online. 

Now when Chanyeol took a video call from home, he would often have to close the door to shut out the pleasant noise of Aya and Kyungsoo performing a duet from downstairs. The frequency of the mood swings decreased after that. Kyungsoo said that despite his occasional difficulty with remembering lyrics he felt much better when he was singing. 

Chanyeol missed many opportunities to join in karaoke because the machine was always fired up during the day when he was at work. Eventually, his chance came when a boring afternoon passed and he decided to finish his work week early. He traipsed downstairs, let Aya finish for an early weekend, and watched in the doorway as Kyungsoo sang one of his favourites. He sang easily and beautifully.

It had been a long time since Chanyeol had heard him sing unaccompanied and the wonder he felt was still reminiscent of the first time he’d heard him audition. There was just something about Kyungsoo’s voice that always brought him to a happy place, even when he was singing the saddest and most tender ballads.

He finished singing. Chanyeol embarrassed him with over-the-top applause.

Then Kyungsoo embarassed him back by forcing him onto the microphone and into singing all their old cheesy favourites.

When the rain fell, it poured. In those gloomy days when there wasn’t much to do, Chanyeol found himself skimming by the grand piano in the living room and just admiring its presence. 

After that, he began to touch it and play on it.

And after that, he began to practice.

This was around the time that Kyungsoo began to actively attempt to leave his room and explore the house by himself. For a few weeks, he focused solely on building muscle for the wheelchair. Once he mastered that, which wasn’t very long at all, he incorporated practiced maneuvering with a walking stick into his physical recovery programme. This was an understandably tougher feat. A consequence of the act needing more supervision and assistance often made a dent in Kyungsoo’s developing confidence. 

Chanyeol ensured that Kyungsoo knew that he was there for him. He reassured him when he needed it and stepped away when it was obvious that he needed him to. It was a fine balance and he didn’t always feel like he got it right. But each day, despite the enduring strain on his physicality and self-belief, Kyungsoo pushed himself and tried again. And when he needed to, he always turned to Chanyeol to restore his thoughts to a good place when it became too much. 

It was on a rainy afternoon after his therapy that Kyungsoo brought something to light that he hadn’t before. They were sat in the bedroom with the television in the background. They were playing cards and Chanyeol was losing. He was calculating his next move when he heard Kyungsoo’s soft voice call out,

“I don’t think I’ve drank that way for years,” he murmured.

It occurred to Chanyeol after a moment of reading Kyungsoo’s face that he was contemplating the reasons for his accident. It had come up after his doctor came the previous day and spoke to him. He imagined that the accident may have come up as a subject of discussion.

“Have I been drinking like that Chanyeol?” Kyungsoo’s voice was layered with worry. It sounded like it had been gnawing away at him, perhaps explaining why he had seemed so distant since the doctor’s visit.

“No,” Chanyeol said honestly. Kyungsoo wasn’t a drunk. His reference to his younger years may have been accurate before they met but ever since they had been married, his consumption was not an issue he’d ever been concerned with. 

“They checked you. You weren’t over the limit,” Chanyeol added.

“Yes, but that’s not the point.” Kyungsoo said unhappily. “I had still drunk that night. Imagine if I’d hurt somebody besides me, huh? Imagine if someone had been in the car with me?” And then, an expression of horror, “If it... was ... _you_ \--“

The sentence remained unfinished as Chanyeol waved his hand to send the thought faraway. He lowered his cards to the bed before taking Kyungsoo’s hand into his own.

“What happened, _happened_. Nobody else was hurt but you were. And it’s your recovery that you need to focus on.”

Kyungsoo squeezed his hand as he sighed, “It would just be a lot easier if I didn’t forget,” he said, “I wish I knew what I was thinking that night.”

 _Me too_. There was no denying that the thought had settled uneasily in his own conscience before, particularly during Kyungsoo’s down days. Was there something that they could’ve done to avoid it? Was there something he, even in his own limited way, could have done to stop that accident from wrecking the havoc it had? But then it dawned on him that no matter how many times he circled these questions; the chances were that he would arrive at no conclusion because that was the indiscriminate tragedy of these accidents. They didn’t pick victims or sides. They just happened.

The apprehension remained with Kyungsoo, maintaining his grave expression. Chanyeol could sense it, that recognisable swirl into one of his bad days, and he knew that no matter how much he willed him to see light – he would turn the other way and miss it. So instead of forcing him to take his reassurances, Chanyeol sat with him, in calm silence, with only the sound of rainfall, and allowed him the space to express himself in the way he wanted. And in time, Kyungsoo does voice his concerns with a trembling voice and shaking hands.

“There’s so much that I don’t remember about my life. I’m scared about the possibility of never remembering. It’s so hard for me to picture my future when I have this foggy past over my head. Everything will have to change now because of what’s happened and I won’t even know how. I’m scared about what will happen, Chanyeol. I’ve never been so scared about the idea of _living_ in my whole life.” 

The profound sadness in Kyungsoo’s eyes was an entity that Chanyeol recognised. They were the same sad eyes that he’d comforted for many years over many different and difficult things. But it was only now that he truly understood how lucky he had been to fall in love with someone as honest as Kyungsoo. Over the length of their relationship, the ability to ease his fears, to bring comfort to his pain, was the closest thing he had to a superpower and it all came from the simple point that Kyungsoo trusted him unconditionally.

A condition he had unfairly exploited. But he wouldn’t again. 

Chanyeol wrapped an arm around him and observed the way Kyungsoo sunk within his embrace, like he was in hiding. He spoke softly, to him only - 

“Whether your memories come back or not, you can believe that you have a future to live. An amazing one at that. Because _you’re_ amazing, Kyungsoo. And whatever happens, whatever changes are ahead, you won’t have to face any of them alone. No matter how scared you might feel, no matter how hard it gets, you have people who love you and will protect you. And I’ll be with you—“

Chanyeol faltered. There was a rehearsed air to his words. Words he should have said once, but didn’t. 

“And I’ll be with you—if and when you need me,” he concluded. 

The taps of the rainfall was hardening as it splashed violently against the glass. Kyungsoo shifted in his embrace,

“Thanks. I love you.”

And he remained there, secure and content, with Chanyeol feeling the same. 

“The band wants to speak to you.” Chanyeol told Kyungsoo as he walked into their bedroom holding his phone and his portable speaker in one hand, “I thought you might want to listen to your stuff beforehand.”

Kyungsoo listened attentively to the X-O EP as it played. Occasionally, he looked across at Chanyeol with a look of confusion but he didn’t interrupt the music and allowed it all to play before making his observation.

“It’s so different to what we play,” Kyungsoo said. 

“Is it?” It hadn’t occurred to Chanyeol that it was _very_ different. Certainly some difference had to be noted because of the change in band members but it still was strongly acoustic and indie – the two features he would say had characterised X-O since it began.

“It is.” Kyungsoo said. “Is there anything I should know about them?”

“Them? The band?”

“Yeah.”

Chanyeol described how the band was officially under a label and in the process of transitioning into a proper management team. He also mentioned how they’d had a drummer replace him. Byun Baekhyun. Aside from the once or twice they’d met, he didn’t know much about him. 

“Oh.” Kyungsoo’s face split into a smile. “Is it because you’re jealous?” 

The question was one he’d asked himself before. And Kyungsoo had asked him too – in a less playful manner. The answer to both times was the same.

“Yeah,” he said. “I’m jealous of him. He likes you.” 

Kyungsoo laughed. He was clearly in disbelief. So Chanyeol thought it best to expand the story. 

“You know the band better because you went away with them for a year.” 

“What?” The cheeriness faded. Kyungsoo sat up in attention, “I did-what?”

“You went away with them for a year.” Chanyeol repeated. “Not long after I quit the band, X-O was offered the opportunity to open for The El Dorado on the Asia leg of their world tour. It was really exciting at the time-“

“Yeah it is.” Kyungsoo loved The El Dorado. The band was a common presence in their old playlists.

“But it meant leaving home for a year.”

“Without you.” 

“Yeah,” Chanyeol said. “I couldn’t come. I had to work.” 

Kyungsoo thought quietly before murmuring, “I bet there was a fight.” 

Bingo. Chanyeol nodded. “There was. Particularly because I didn’t find out about it until a week before you were supposed to be leaving even though you had known about the possibility of it happening a month before.”

“What?” Kyungsoo exclaimed in even more disbelief, “Why didn’t I tell you?”

“I honestly don’t know,” Chanyeol said. He sighed as the memories of the fight began to return to him in waves, “I found out about it from someone else and I was really angry...” 

_  
To find out about Kyungsoo’s departure from a drunken Jongin was an insult and Chanyeol didn’t take it as any less. He confronts his husband about it when they get home– fuming. And in that state, as what tends to happen, the sparks of one sets the fire off in another. In the middle of the confrontation it dawns on Chanyeol that this argument feels worse than the others they’ve had in recent times. It is both angrier and wearier. They take it to every single space of their apartment as he follows Kyungsoo who is packing up. Leaving._

_“I don’t know why you think doing this is supposed to help our situation,” he snaps at Kyungsoo as he watches him zip up his overnight bag._

_“Well I’m not staying here either. I’ve had enough,” Kyungsoo mutters._

_He picks the bag up and freezes when he realises that Chanyeol is standing at the doorway._

_“Move.” He tells him._

_“Are you going to go?” Chanyeol asks._

_“Yes.” Kyungsoo says. “And I’m going on tour too.”_

_The frustration bubbles up in Chanyeol again as he groans -_

_“Aren’t we going to talk about it?”_

_“What is there to talk about! This isn’t about you!” Kyungsoo yells as he brushes past him, “This is my band. It’s my decision whether to go. I don’t need you to approve shit for me, Chanyeol. Do what you want and I’ll do what I want.”_

_Chanyeol’s head spins. He wonders if it’s anger that’s making him feel so dizzy or something else. His hand grasps at the wall as he follows Kyungsoo to the living room._

_“Kyungsoo—wait--” he manages._

_The other ignores him as he puts on his shoes. He’s really leaving. Tears sting the corner of Chanyeol’s eyes and it irritates him because he’s not even sad. He’s burning up. He’s more angry than sad. The tears are blurring his vision and Kyungsoo is reduced to a spot of moving darkness. As he edges to the door, Chanyeol bursts – tears and pleas – as he tells him not to leave._

_He’s desperately sad. It all gushes in at once._

_“Chanyeol, I can’t do this right now.” He tells him, “You’ve got work tomorrow. I’ve got rehearsal. Let’s take a break and I’ll call you in the morning.”_

_The sound of the door closing shakes Chanyeol’s mind in a way he can’t describe. He sleeps after a few glasses of a nightcap._

_He wakes up to two missed calls from Kyungsoo. When he calls back, he’s directed to voicemail. Barely coping with the day, Chanyeol goes to work and when his phone vibrates – he finds a voicemail._

_Thirty seconds. Kyungsoo tells him that he’s OK and he’s not angry about the night before. This is a good opportunity for me, he says. It was only confirmed two days ago so I didn’t tell you, he says. I was going to, I was just waiting for the right time, he says. I don’t see why this has to change anything, he says._

_I love you, he says._

_When Chanyeol comes home later in the day, he sees the printout of airline tickets on the kitchen table. Kyungsoo’s already made dinner and greets him with a hug and kiss. The events of the night before are forgotten. Even the clothes he’d made a mess of were tidied up and the overnight bag was back to where it was._

_It occurs to him then – in that moment – that these days, the only way he feels that Kyungsoo is there for him is when he sees him. When Kyungsoo takes all of his things on tour, when the rooms in the apartment are emptied of his presence, what was left? He can’t answer that question so he steps into the kitchen and watches as Kyungsoo plates up._

_“Kyungsoo,” he calls. And then, almost as a test, he says, “Please don’t go. I don’t want you to go. Please don’t.”_

_His husband looks at him and responds with a calm,_

_“I’m going to go, Chanyeol. I’m sorry. But I’m going.”_

It was right of him to go. Chanyeol knew that now. Knowing the opportunities it gave him and what it did for his career, he understood that anything but going would’ve been unacceptably foolish. And he also saw how at the time, he must’ve appeared as the most selfish person in the entire world for trying to stop him. This was the view of many of their friends – the ones that had navigated to Kyungsoo’s side, especially. 

But the truth was every story had two sides. Had he known how selfish he was being, maybe he wouldn’t have fought as hard as he did. But Chanyeol had always seen that fight – as with many of the others – as his way of scrambling to hold onto a marriage that was fast slipping through his fingers. Losing Kyungsoo to his tour became another substantial hit to the already unsteady foundations that were holding up their relationship. True that it shouldn’t have ever reached that point. But it had, and all he had been trying to do then was do everything in his power to keep them together. 

“I shouldn’t have gone.” Kyungsoo said. 

“No.” 

The story had distressed Kyungsoo. He looked utterly deflated.

Chanyeol did his best to reassure him.

“You were right to go. It was something you really wanted.”

“But I shouldn’t have gone when we were like that.” Kyungsoo said. “I should have told you so we could talk about it. It’s not fair—“

“You were scared to tell me,” Chanyeol said. “At first, I thought it was because you were scared that you would get talked out of it. But now I’m sure that you just dreaded another fight. We were fighting a lot, really. I could barely pay attention at work sometimes. I think it also took a toll on your performances.”

“Oh,” Kyungsoo sighed. “Sounds like we were in trouble.” 

Chanyeol nodded his head. He expected Kyungsoo to question him further – maybe enough so that it would lead to everything naturally unraveling in the open. He prepared for it even though he didn’t feel very ready. But instead, Kyungsoo grew quiet and reached for his hands.

“I’m sure that even if we fought, I still loved you a lot.” He said.

Sadly, Chanyeol found himself smiling. His words brought him to when he’d insisted on taking unpaid absence and drove Kyungsoo to the airport. Kyungsoo hadn’t wanted him to but he’d done it away. It was there, in their goodbye at the airport, that he felt residues of Kyungsoo’s love for him – from how hard he’d embraced him, how deeply he kissed him, and fussed over him. Kyungsoo clearly hadn’t wanted to say goodbye and there had been a moment where it seemed like he wasn’t going to let go. And it was Chanyeol who wished him good luck, who held him to his chest and told him that he’s going to do great.

“You did,” Chanyeol said. “And I did.”

_  
There are so many people around them. Airports are so busy. Kyungsoo’s arms are wrapped around him tight. It had been for a few minutes now. Even the rest of the band are looking over, curious at the extended nature of their goodbye. Chanyeol doesn’t mind. He places his hand on Kyungsoo’s back._

_“Kyungsoo,” he murmurs, “You OK?”_

_“I just miss you.” Kyungsoo buries his face into Chanyeol’s shoulder. “I can’t remember the last time.”_

_“The last time-what?”_

_His husband doesn’t answer. Instead, Kyungsoo places a long kiss on his lips, blinking away the redness in his eyes, “See you in a few months. Be safe, OK?”_

The call with the band members occurred later in the day. Chanyeol didn’t sit in and let him take it on his own. When it finished, he found Kyungsoo in bed listening to the old CDs he’d brought over from his safety deposit box. He held the cover for ‘JUNE X DKS X PCY’ to his chest even as he listened to what sounded like September.

“Do you want to hear something amazing?” Chanyeol told him, sensing that he wanted to be cheered up.

Kyungsoo nodded.

“We have a dog.”

“ _What?!_ ” Kyungsoo sat up, jaw falling open.

Chanyeol took out his phone and showed him the folder of photographs that he had of Chubby the Corgi. The companion he’d rescued from a shelter barely a month after Kyungsoo left. He had missed him and had missed having someone in the apartment. Kyungsoo had wanted a dog for so long but Chanyeol had said no, knowing that they wouldn’t be able to take care of it properly with their schedules. 

But how wrong he’d been. They’d been just fine.

“He’s kinda like our baby,” Kyungsoo said as he happily scrolled through the photos, zooming in on Chubby’s cute nose on a few of them.

Chanyeol watched him. “Yeah kinda,” he said, “Do you like him?”

“I love him.” Kyungsoo said, utterly smitten. “We should get another one. A poodle.”

He stroked Kyungsoo’s hair affectionately, as he nodded, knowing that in the fantasy they lived in, they’d both be driving to the shelter now to pick out another. Maybe two. Because in this fantasy, they’d moved out of the small apartment and somewhere bigger – somewhere where they could have baby dogs and real babies. It was hard not to be drawn into these tales when it was all he did here – spin fantasies that would never be real. 

“Sure,” he said, with no hesitation and unparalleled confidence, “Anything you want.” 

“He’s getting better. I think it’s OK to tell him.” The urge to tell Kyungsoo the truth crashed on Chanyeol like a wave one morning. He didn’t know what had brought it—his sleepless night perhaps, or maybe it was an impulse that had grown from a dream. All he knew was that he’d ran upstairs to his office and called Junmyeon. 

Chanyeol figured that someone needed to know what he was thinking. So he could know whether he needed to be talked into it or out of it. And Junmyeon was someone he trusted to weigh up a problem in balance.

“ _Sure,_ ” was his response, “ _But are you OK to tell him?_ ”

“What.. what do you mean?”

“ _What I mean is... once he knows what happened and where you are. All of this here, between you, dissolves. I know you, Chanyeol. You’ll make a decision without thinking through what it means. So here, here is what it means. You tell Kyungsoo that you’re divorcing and he’s going to react exactly the way he did before. You’ll be a divorced couple once again. You’ll come home, an-almost single man, pining for a relationship he doesn’t have. Except this time, maybe it will hurt a lot more than the first time. It’s right to tell him. Of course it is. But do it when you’re ready for everything to be out in the open because once the cat’s out of the bag, it’s going to be out. You have to be ready to accept that you’re not together anymore and you never were._ ”

As always, Chanyeol thanked Junmyeon for his input. 

He made Kyungsoo breakfast and sensed that the impulse in him had withdrawn. They spent the day sat together on the decking, watching the lake waters, hand-in-hand. 

The 27th of November came and knocked on their doorstep faster than Chanyeol had prepared for. He had suspected that Kyungsoo would want to celebrate – as he liked birthdays almost as much as he did – so he had made a note of planning _something_ to save Kyungsoo the efforts of doing anything for him. It wouldn’t have been anything more complicated than a nice dinner somewhere, with a few desserts, maybe at a nice hotel in the city he could bring Kyungsoo to. 

But before he could propose the suggestion, Kyungsoo had already said that he had organised something for them to do.

“I want to cook for you.” Kyungsoo said confidently.

How could he say no to that?

A glitzy dinner in the city was dashed and replaced with a comfy special dinner at home. Kyungsoo insisted on doing everything himself with lovely Aya’s help providing that Chanyeol shopped for all the ingredients. Through the shopping trip, he managed to figure out that the secret menu that Kyungsoo had planned for the night composed of his favourites – pork-based entrées, spaghetti, pastries and ice cream. 

Carrying all the shopping in, he found Kyungsoo and Aya already hard at prep with his walking stick on the side. He attempted to help the pair and managed to get a role with the chopping and shredding of meat and veggies but was waved away to ‘enjoy himself.’ 

Tortured with the wonderful scent of his favourite meals cooking, Chanyeol spent some hours playing on the piano. Unsurprisingly, it had become his favourite pastime. It was harmless – just a play and a cover here and there – but recently, he had found himself revisiting old songs and melodies. Sometimes to play for Kyungsoo. Sometimes to play for himself. The sense of piano keys beneath his fingers had always brought him a sense of calm that he was sure he had undervalued as a much more energetic youth. Although Kyungsoo had met a drummer, he definitely married a pianist at heart.

“Chanyeol!”

The playing stopped. Chanyeol walked to the kitchen only to be stopped by Aya and Kyungsoo as they left the kitchen. 

“You’re not going to your birthday dinner dressed like that,” Kyungsoo said.

“Huh?” Chanyeol looked down at his shirt and sweatpants. “There’s a dress code for my dinner?”

“Yes.” Kyungsoo said. “I’ll see you there.” 

It was exciting—all of this. Chanyeol dressed up – formally – albeit not necessarily in a dinner-party style as he hadn’t brought any outfits for his wardrobe. To compromise, he went for the most formal of his work shirts and paired it with a nice pair of pants and socks. He deliberated between going for the blazer and decided he would since he imagined Kyungsoo would.

Kyungsoo did and he looked fantastic. He must have bought a new suit because he’d never seen it before. It dawned on Chanyeol that he couldn’t actually remember ever seeing Kyungsoo dressed so formally. Glitzy dinners just weren’t their style. This was the style of the city people he met at work and their other halves but between them, it had always been about comfort and simple pleasures. They were an ordinary couple whose idea of the best night out was the best night in, with each other, at home. 

“You look—“ The compliment fizzled on Chanyeol’s lips as Kyungsoo gestured to the door. 

“Wait, we need to eat. The buns will get cold.” 

“Oh.” 

He heard Aya leave through the front door and managed to shout out a thanks and goodbye as he followed Kyungsoo in. 

The dining room was arranged prettily. There were candles on the table and in the corners of the room. A special tablecloth was laid out. The light on the decking gleamed in the dark offering a lovely view of the adjacent lake from inside. Kyungsoo was clearly very distracted with coordinating the food so Chanyeol busied himself with the wine and the entertainment as he chose a nice playlist of soft music in the background to tune out the oven and frying sounds.

He placed himself at the table and determined that he would just _enjoy_ as that was what Kyungsoo had wanted him to do. It was very challenging not to be overwhelmed by it all. It had been a while since he had felt so attended to and a similar length of time since he’d incorporated something so new and different into his daily routine. Their days had been passing so fast and perfectly that many of his emotions had blended with them and perhaps lost their edge. 

Here, overcome with the romantic touches of dim lights and lovely cooking, it was hard for Chanyeol to ignore the speed in which his heart was beating and the flush on his cheeks when he thought about how handsome Kyungsoo looked with his hair styled. 

“Ta-dah!”

“Woah!”

“Quick, let’s eat.”

Together, they served each course for each other one-by-one. Kyungsoo was very animated during the meal and talked a lot about the preparation and the occasional changes to the recipe he made at Aya’s request. Lots of _Apparently, more spring onion does wonders to the stock_ and _Garlic, garlic, garlic!_ \- 

As eagerly as Chanyeol wanted to listen, he found it impossible not to be totally absorbed in the food he was eating. Between them Kyungsoo had always been the better cook but it had been such a long time since he’d tasted Kyungsoo’s cooking that he’d inconveniently forgotten that they were actually his favourite dishes. It was deeply unlikely that anyone would be able to emulate that, he established – because Kyungsoo himself, being the chef, added a unique element to the conscious taste of the food. Because it was from _him_ , for him – it tasted _better_. It tasted the _best_.

They talked about things they didn’t usually talk about in their lengthy conversations in the bedroom. It felt very much like a dinner date in that sense. Between Kyungsoo’s adorable summations of the new leading love-team in the movie series he liked, and Chanyeol’s argument that watermelon water was superior to coconut water, the loveliness of the night enveloped them in familiar warmth. And then, as the night drew to a close, something else was brought up.

“Gift-time.” 

“For me?”

Kyungsoo gave fantastic gifts. This year was no different. Kyungsoo offered a box which Chanyeol unwrapped. Inside the perfectly wrapped box he was met with the sight of three personalized neck ties for all his office needs. Although classy and ordinary seeming at first glance, a closer peer revealed the small patterns to be prints of musical instruments. They were of his favourite colours too. 

“God, Kyungsoo. They’re great. This,” Chanyeol waved a hand around them, “was great. I had so much fun. Thank you so much.” 

Kyungsoo smiled wide. “You’re welcome,” He then gestured to the box. “Come on, try one on. I want to see.”

Chanyeol chose the one with the little pianos. He stepped out of the room to check that it was properly done in the hallway mirror before stepping back into the dining room. He watched as Kyungsoo’s face brightened up, his lips lifting into his beautiful smile, as he nodded his head.

“Approved?” Chanyeol asked as he spun on the spot cheekily. 

“Approved.” Kyungsoo said.

He then looked around the room. “Don’t worry about the clean-up, OK? It’s on me. I’ll just get changed—“

“No!”

Kyungsoo’s eyes widened as he clamped his lips shut. Chanyeol narrowed his eyes, confused, until he registered the obvious redness on Kyungsoo’s cheeks. Then the calculation seemed to add up. 

“Oh.” His smile became playful. “You like the suit?”

“You really pull it off.” Kyungsoo muttered. “Don’t forget... it’s my first time seeing you like this.”

As was Kyungsoo’s nature, despite his insistence at the suit, he was now refusing to look at him out of some private level of embarrassment. Chanyeol decided to make his life easier. He returned to the table-side, crouched down until they were eye-level, before taking Kyungsoo’s hand into his own.

“Kyungsoo, I want you to say that I’m really handsome. _You really pull it off_ isn’t good enough.” 

To that, Chanyeol got a light slap to the forehead. Pretending that it hurt, he closed his eyes whilst continuing to smile. 

“Look let me show you how it’s done,” he said. He cleared his throat dramatically before saying - “Kyungsoo, you look very handsome tonight. You’ve been making my heart race ever since I saw you... all those years ago. And tonight has reminded me that aside from being my number one cook, you’re also the number one in my heart.... I’m still the number one in your heart, right?” 

He opened his eyes. Kyungsoo was wiping his eyes with his sleeve.

Silent, Chanyeol reacted by reaching for Kyungsoo’s face in concern. Instead, Kyungsoo pushed his hands back, gently, to reach for Chanyeol’s face and draw it up to him until they were at face-level and Chanyeol was raised on his knees. Their closeness, brought Chanyeol’s gaze to watch his round lips, as they spoke, 

“You’re still the number one in my heart, Chanyeol.”

They kissed lovingly. Once. But a dainty post-dinner kiss was clearly not the kiss that Kyungsoo had in mind as he kissed him again. Twice. He parted his lips then his legs—allowing their tongues to touch hungrily as Chanyeol pushed between his legs and wrapped him in his arms. In familiar motions, he raked his fingers in the soft fabric of Kyungsoo’s dress shirt as Kyungsoo’s arms settled easily around his neck. Thrice. A mismatch of rhythm led to Kyungsoo’s kisses landing on his cheek and their eyes suddenly met - prompting Chanyeol to laugh a little.

Obviously flushed, Kyungsoo sighed and leaned forwards until their foreheads were touching. His warm hands slid from Chanyeol’s neck and followed the length of his tie until they willingly caught the buttons of his shirt.

“Chanyeol, let’s do it.” He whispered. 

An instant red flag waved in Chanyeol’s head. He opened his lips to shape a _no_ but it was simply captured by Kyungsoo’s lips in a dizzying kiss. He stopped only when he knew that Chanyeol wouldn’t be able to reject him. 

“Are you sure?” was Chanyeol’s tentative answer.

“Yes.” Kyungsoo’s answer was almost stern as he drew Chanyeol up with his tie, “I’m your husband and if you don’t fuck me tonight, I think I’ll _die_.” 

It was both funny and a little sexy. Noticing the new shine on Kyungsoo’s lips, Chanyeol wiped them with a finger before replacing the fingers with his lips. Their fourth kiss was deep – deep enough to consume Kyungsoo’s disapproving cry as he was lifted from the seat by Chanyeol’s arms. 

“If you drop me-“ He managed, alarmed.

“I won’t drop you.” Chanyeol said, holding him tightly, “I promise.” 

Gentle lovemaking in the bedroom. That was what Chanyeol was going for. Instead, he was faced with a Kyungsoo complaining that he wasn’t paying him to strip so there was no need for the continued delay. So of course, Chanyeol purposefully did everything to delay it further. He ensured that his lips kissed as many parts of him as he could, gave loving attention to all his weak spots, and caught all the cries and swears with kisses as he fingered him open skillfully.

The sheets were all around them. Clothes in a pool on the floor. The new tie somewhere lopsided by someone’s socks. After a few alleviating strokes of his cock, Chanyeol finally pushed himself into Kyungsoo, groaning, restrained, as he allowed the initial tightness to subside. They kissed wetly, lips barely touching as his hips grinded in a slow rhythm, sinking his hard cock deeper into the satisfying heat. He pushed Kyungsoo’s leg up further. Gentle but expert. Kyungsoo moaned softly, head bucking up, dragging their chests together. 

“There?” 

He held him there and fucked him faster. Fast enough to push him where he wants most; not to hurt. Kyungsoo’s lips fell away from his, latching, desperate, to patches of his skin as he moaned hotly against them. His hands, which had been gripping the edges of his pillow, shifted, and found home in Chanyeol’s dark hair. The pace was slowed, giving Chanyeol the space to plant kisses and bites wherever he wanted them. Kyungsoo called his name needily, but it was only when he began to grind his hips down, clamping down on Chanyeol’s cock, thicker and tighter, that he got what he wanted. With harsh breaths, Chanyeol’s loud swears were was fast swallowed down by Kyungsoo in a deep kiss as his hips picked up the pace, dazed, as he chased his high. 

In the distance, the sound of the headboard hitting the wall grew louder and quicker. 

“Shit.” Chanyeol thrust him faster up the bed. 

One of Kyungsoo’s hands remained tangled in the mess of Chanyeol’s hair as the other stroked himself to completion. The sight and sound of him coming drew Chanyeol to the edge as his hips stuttered forward, bending Kyungsoo ever so slightly as he came in him, deep, burying his cock into his husband and remaining there as he caught his breath. 

A few minutes passed. Chanyeol rolled off him, almost falling off the bed in the process. Kyungsoo held him back, muttering something about him being clumsy as he burrowed his head into his shoulder. It was there, as Chanyeol was close enough to admire the other’s body that he noticed them: his scars. Tenderly, Chanyeol ran his fingers very lightly over the scars of the accident with his fingers. They had all healed very well. Kyungsoo barely took notice of the touch, his eyes calm and breaths slow.

“Was that OK?” Chanyeol asked, before glancing down, “I should clean us up.” 

“It was OK.” Kyungsoo murmured before reaching across and taking Chanyeol’s cock into his hand, “But you’re going to need to fuck me again.”

“Why should I?”

“You should.” 

The clean-up was half-hearted. They made love again – a second time – this time the pace was slower, and much longer, a little less frantic, a shade more passionate. The type of gentle love-making in the bedroom that made hearts ache afterwards.

As part of his birthday celebrations, Kyungsoo asked Chanyeol whether he would consider giving himself a weekend off. Chanyeol had found the request a little strange – even more so when Kyungsoo declared that he’d already asked Ga-young to stay with him in his absence.

“Chanyeol, we’ve been together for months. You barely leave this place.” Kyungsoo told him with a smile. “Go, I’ll be OK.” 

He decided not to question it. The truth was that he had missed the city a lot. His weekend back in his apartment gave him the chance to finish up on a lot of the mundane tasks he had been ignoring – like watering plants and opening mail. It was a sharp return to the ordinariness of his life before the accident. As the hours passed, empty and uninteresting, it occurred to him just how sad his apartment seemed.

It was barely furnished. He rarely had time to decorate when he exhausted himself so much from working overtime. In fact, he could plot the exact course that he took each day as he often did the same things. There was probably an imprint on the carpet documenting the short trip he took between fridge and bed, bed and fridge, as he got up, went to work and then back to sleep. 

There was only a single item that he showed any true affection towards and that was his guitar. Unfortunately he had left it at the lake house. 

It was in the midst of this thought that he remembered something he had, alternatively, forgotten to take with him to the lake house and left _here_. It was a notebook full of the most recent songs he’d written. Scribbling into small books for songs was a habit he had long decided would never change. Flipping through the lined pages, he found himself saturated with images and thoughts of the numerous states of mind that he had been in as he composed the specific lyrics. 

There were a few he liked. Ones he would like to show Kyungsoo. All love songs.

To further accelerate the hours, he spent the rest of his time using various applications on his phone to practice his melodies. It wasn’t long before the room became dark and Chanyeol found himself singing alone in a remarkably quiet apartment. He forced the words out until he exhausted them of meaning.

But then his mind wandered.

_Kyungsoo was missing for his birthday. He was still away on his tour and they were barely talking. It wasn’t because of a lack of wanting to—simply that it was hard to find a lot of things to talk about when you’re always tired and a lot of the stories you have don’t make sense when you’re far apart. Sometimes, Chanyeol believes these are just excuses he makes. Other people could make genuine long distance relationships work. Theirs was barely one and he can barely take the torture._

_Except it isn’t torture. Torture is palpable and painful. The reality is that there are days when he doesn’t even remember that there’s an ache in him. It’s nothing serious, he tells himself. It’s fatigue because it’s been a while since Kyungsoo flew away. He still loves him so much and when he does call and they do get to see each other on video, he can’t deny it. He feels that love so deep in his heart._

_But spending his birthday alone is so hard. Being alone, and feeling alone, is so hard. So when his office mates invite him to drinks and karaoke, he says yes. He knows them pretty well now and thinks it’s going to be fun. There are four of them, plus some stragglers from the other building, and they party all night until it’s not Chanyeol’s birthday anymore._

_“Did you have fun?” The pretty temp asks him as they stand outside the karaoke place with the dawning sun. They’re waiting for a taxi and they’re the last to go._

_Chanyeol says yes. He had a lot of fun. The temp laughs at him. He then asks him whether he can kiss him. Chanyeol says yes. They kiss as the taxi pulls up to the pavement. The temp asks him whether he wants to go back to his place. Chanyeol says yes. He stays the entire day._

_And then he says yes on two more occasions—until he says no._

_“No, I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t. I’m married.”_

_But by then, he already has._

Gasping, Chanyeol threw the phone away, plunging the room into darkness, as he buried his face into his hands.

Chanyeol took his song book with him and continued to work on the songs when he returned to the lake house. Naturally, Kyungsoo grew curious of the melodies that floated through the rooms whenever he left the door open. 

“Do you still write songs?” Kyungsoo asked him after he finished. 

“Yes,” Chanyeol said. “But before you ask, you’re not hearing them.”

Kyungsoo frowned instantly. “How come?”

“One, because they’re _bad_. And two, because they’re really bad.”

Kyungsoo was obviously unconvinced. Clearly he could still remember the techniques he used with great effect in the past whenever he wanted something out of Chanyeol. All the cutesy teasing that he _pretended_ to dislike doing. The pleading. The shameless bartering – “I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours” – and Chanyeol lasted an honourable three hours before bending to the pressures of Kyungsoo’s pleading.

So their sudden jam session happened, on the same afternoon, with Kyungsoo in front of the Steinway and Chanyeol on a chair with his acoustic guitar.

“The notes and words are there,” Chanyeol said in reference to the lined paper on the reading rack that he’d scribbled his work hastily on earlier in the day. 

It was the first time that Kyungsoo had seen them and he studied the material carefully and quietly. Chanyeol tuned the guitar as he did so. Despite quitting the band a while back, this wasn’t all that unfamiliar to him yet. Evidently he didn’t have much time to practice anymore but he still lived and breathed music in an ordinary way. He still wrote songs and strummed his guitar and thought about the many covers he would do had Kyungsoo still been around him. 

The sound of Kyungsoo touching the piano keys brought him to attention. 

“Like this?” Kyungsoo asked as he played the melody in a measured flow. 

Chanyeol played along with his guitar. “Perfect,” he said. 

They practiced it together once over without the words. Chanyeol waited until Kyungsoo expressed for himself that he was ready to sing before requesting. He could see the intensity of concentration in his face and didn’t want to risk any of it evolving into any sort of stress. Thankfully it didn’t as Kyungsoo quickly ran through the chords on his own, humming under his breath, before establishing that he was ready for a run-through.

He began to sing. Like he knew it already. Like it wasn’t his first time. Chanyeol managed to reach the second verse before he allowed the tears to run down his face. Fortunately, the melody was simple enough that he could still play, thereby allowing Kyungsoo to sing and find his voice in the love song that he’d written for him and about him. 

A part of Chanyeol lapsed into a state where he became pressingly aware of all of his contrasting emotions – of his awe at Kyungsoo’s voice, of his joy that this was a moment they could share, and of the enduring guilt about their past and present. How could it have all become so complicated when it had started as simply this? Two boys who loved music; two boys who loved each other; two boys who had tried to live and love - all at the same time. 

Kyungsoo finished the song. He had his back to him so he didn’t see Chanyeol crying. Instead he played the melody again, once, for himself before asking,

“Have you got a title?” 

“The w-working title is _Wait_.” Chanyeol responded.

“It sounds good,” Kyungsoo turned his head. “Do you have another one we could – Chanyeol? Chanyeol? Are you OK?”

Chanyeol nodded his head even as the tears continued to fall. He motioned for Kyungsoo to return to the piano and to shift the pages. 

“I h-have a lot,” he said, “We could d-do more. I wrote you a lot.”

“Why?” Kyungsoo said.

It was unclear whether Kyungsoo was asking why Chanyeol had written him a lot or why he was crying. So Chanyeol gave him an answer that suited both. 

“Because I’m in still in love with you,” he said. “And you deserved to know that when it all still mattered.” 

The pain in his chest made it hard to breathe. He continued to suppress the tears, failing, as they fell as heavy drops. In the distance, he sensed Kyungsoo come closer until he was standing in front of him. He felt two hands caress the sides of his face.

“Chanyeol.” Kyungsoo’s voice was very steady. His hands carefully slid from Chanyeol’s face to reach for one of his hands. Something small and metal slid into Chanyeol’s grip. 

Chanyeol looked down and within the tearful blur, he saw a wedding ring. After a moment, Kyungsoo explained it.

“I was cleaning a week ago when I looked at our picture from Japan and remembered that I’d put my wedding ring inside the frame. I thought, I didn’t want to lose it in case I submit it in the envelope with the d-divorce papers. I found it. And now I have two. I don’t know where that one came from but it isn’t mine. So I know, Chanyeol. I know that you need to tell me something and I know what happens at the end of what you need to tell me. But you still need to tell me how we got there.”

His palm closed over the ring. Chanyeol motioned for him to sit.

And then, finally, _finally_ , he told the truth.

__

_Chanyeol tells Kyungsoo about it when he gets back. He resists telling him before because he doesn’t want to affect the rest of his tour. It was surprisingly easy finding an opportunity to tell him because Kyungsoo can read him like a book. All it takes is an innocent, ‘What’s wrong? Did something happen’ and he’s confessing in the bedroom as Kyungsoo unpacks his stuff. I slept with a co-worker while you were away, Kyungsoo, he says –_

_How many times? Kyungsoo asks._

_Three. He says._

_Kyungsoo freezes like he’s been struck by something. And then the bags he’s been unpacking become packed again, zipped up. Chubby, their dog, laps at his ankles as he throws the clothes back into the bags, breathing heavy._

_Shaking, fearful, Chanyeol extends a hand to his shoulder._

_Don’t you fucking touch me. The voice is cold. You know better. You know– The coldness melts. He stops packing and holds his hands to his face and cries suddenly. The sound is absolutely heartbreaking. It knocks the air out of Chanyeol’s chest._

_Kyungsoo, I’m so sorry. I wish I could go back in time. I wish it never happened-_

_Three times. Kyungsoo stares at him. Did you wish that each time?_

_He can’t answer him and he doesn’t need to. Kyungsoo takes one of the bags and walks out of the room. He wipes his eyes with his sleeve as he looks down at the dog and smiles. He crouches down and strokes the top of his face._

_Fuck you Chanyeol. Kyungsoo looks at him and bursts into tears again. Fuck you. He sobs. Fuck you three times over._

_He slams the door and leaves. It feels like it lasted five minutes. Five minutes to turn his entire world upside down._

_It takes time for Chanyeol to overcome the initial shock. By the time he’s able to function again, he finds himself confronted by the mess in the bedroom. He begins to unpack the bags, murmuring between his tears that Kyungsoo will come back soon and they’ll get the chance to talk about it. In the largest suitcase, Chanyeol finds a paper bag full of colourful snacks and trinkets in small fabric bags. There’s a bow with a simple card attached –_

_**Happy birthday, Chanyeol.  
** Sorry I missed your big day this year.  
I’ll cook you a big dinner when I get back.  
Thanks. I love you (let’s not be apart like this again, OK? :)) _

_He sets the bag aside and carefully tidies everything else. By the time he finishes, he’s called Kyungsoo at least ten times. All ten calls fail to get through. He calls Ga-young. She tells him that Kyungsoo’s with her and warns that if he tries to see him then she won’t open the door. He almost cries on the phone but hangs up before he can._

_They talk about it, finally, three days later when Kyungsoo returns empty-handed to their apartment. Chanyeol comes home from work and finds Kyungsoo and Chubby playing in the living room. He’s smiling, cross-legged, as the dog wags his tail and teethes at the ball they’re playing with._

_Kyungsoo. He says._

_His husband looks at him and his eyes are very clear and very cold. Have you eaten? He asks._

_The questions he asks next are harder. Who was he? When did it happen? Why did you wait until now to tell me? Why did you do this to me? Don’t you care about me? Didn’t you think about what you’d do to me by doing this? Did you forget? How my parents’ affairs affected me? Did you forget about me? Do you want this marriage to end? Was this all a joke to you? Have you forgotten everything we’ve been through?_

_His final question isn’t given as a question. Kyungsoo sits, both legs tapping restless against the carpet as he says –_

_You stopped loving me._

_And the look on his face – it doesn’t matter how furiously Chanyeol contests his accusation, how many times he says he loves him – it says everything. It’s a look of bitter acceptance. Peace. He’s given up the fight. Chanyeol falls to his knees in front of him, entwining their hands together, as he pleads. What was he pleading about? He doesn’t even know anymore. He’s hysterically sad. All he can do is physically hold onto him because he’s stopped listening to his words. This is the only way to show him that he doesn’t want to let go. He won’t. He can’t._

_Kyungsoo doesn’t leave that night. He stays in the apartment for a week but he refuses to talk to Chanyeol about the affair. He keeps pushing him because it panics him not knowing what Kyungsoo’s thinking or feeling. It’s hard to accept Kyungsoo making him dinner knowing that he probably hates him._

_And then they get drunk just before the weekend. A good dose of scotch and they’re both on the bed with Kyungsoo kissing his neck with one hand shoved down the work pants he hadn’t changed out of. He couldn’t get hard. He’s so close to crying again. And then it slips out, in frustration, in hopelessness -_

_Sometimes, he says absently. I go through the day feeling so empty that I don’t feel like I’m in love anymore._

_Kyungsoo’s eyes stare at him, wide-eyed, and then he kisses him like he’s proud. And then rougher, like he hates him. Chanyeol groans as Kyungsoo peels himself off until he’s up on his feet, and then like it’s weightless he pulls the wedding band from his finger and throws it at him._

_He says one thing when he really should have said another._

_Kyungsoo s-stop, he pleads, Can we do this tomorrow?_

Today. Chanyeol should’ve told him how much he loved him _today_. It was a memory he often recollected during the divorce process that followed— would it have mattered if he’d said anything else at that moment? But then if he followed such threads, he knew that he would find countless moments during their relationship which, fractionally, could’ve saved them. But it was his own recklessness, his own bad choices that put the final nail into the coffin. It was something he recognised then but fully saw _now_.

As he spoke through the memories, shaken with guilt, he thought truly that there wasn’t a part of him that was strong enough to go through it all again. 

“If you need any more details, they’re in our divorce papers. I’m sure Ga-young will show you. It has both our testimonials.” Chanyeol looked at the ring on his palm. “You made a decision then— and I’m sure you’ll make the same decision now. And that’s OK. Don’t break your heart over it again, Kyungsoo. Once is enough.”

“How could you say that?” Kyungsoo said. “Did you think it was easy for me to give up on you?”

His words were echoes of a familiar argument. Chanyeol placed a hand on his head as he foresaw it – how he was going to have to go through it all again. The pain of seeing Kyungsoo separate from him. The pain of being alone. The pain of squeezing the life out of the love in his chest until he could see his former husband without feeling anything. He had known that this would happen, of course he had, but it didn’t make it easier.

Then Kyungsoo spoke. 

“I think I was on my way to see you on the night of the accident. I put the wedding ring in the frame whilst I was looking over the divorce papers. I don’t know why. I wasn’t having second-thoughts or... maybe I was. I don’t know. But it was really hard. I just wanted to see you. I can feel it in my chest—how I wanted to see you a lot. Maybe I even wanted to see you all of the time. I spoke to Ga-young by the way. She came here and she told me how difficult it was.” 

Kyungsoo’s gaze lowered to the floor.

“... she also told me how we barely spoke the past year. How she thought I’d moved on. How you’d moved on.” His eyes fixed on Chanyeol, “So why do all of this for me?” 

Chanyeol’s answer was simple. It was the same as it had been at the start.

“You know that there’s nothing I won’t do for you.”

Chanyeol mentioned signing divorce papers he didn’t want to sign as an example. At the revelation, Kyungsoo began to cry into his hands. He ached to hold him; to press his head to chest as he had, during the down days, during the days in their past when he’d been scared and insecure, but he found himself unable to move, rooted by a sense that he’d lost his place to do that. 

The fantasy had gone. This was the reality and in reality, he was a man on the verge of divorce who was pathetic enough to fall in love with the same man, harder, a second time. 

“It hurts so much here,” Kyungsoo said, wiping his eyes as he pointed to the middle of his chest, “I don’t think it’s ever stopped hurting.”

“I’m sorry, Kyungsoo. I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“Why didn’t we just do it properly? It’s so hard to accept that it ended like this when I loved you so, _so much_.” 

Chanyeol was sure that Kyungsoo, prior to the accident, had contemplated this question just as much as he had. And once his memories come back, Kyungsoo’s answers would probably be better than his. But here now, only he’d had the opportunity to reflect and to heal, and although he was sure he didn’t have the whole answer – he had an answer. One that had comforted him on particularly low nights, and irritated him on others. One he had often wished he could share with Kyungsoo to see whether even in their broken state, they could try and understand each other, as he felt like they’d always tried.

“I’ve thought about it a lot and I think— we were just doing our best, growing up together, and life got away from us. Even when we were fighting, even when it was bad, I never felt like you didn’t love me. And it wasn’t all bad. Not even close. When we were good, we were so unbelievably good... I really doubt that there’s a proper way to love or a proper way to be married. But we dealt with the cards that we had, and even though I’ve regretted a lot, the fact that I’d do it all again with you, from the beginning, tells me that we got something right. And if I add in how happy you still make me— maybe even most of it.”

He paused, as he opened his fist to look at the wedding ring - 

“Just because it wasn’t perfect, doesn’t mean it wasn’t love, is what I’m trying to say. And I do love you... and I’m sorry. For everything. I’m sorry and I love you, Kyungsoo.”

When he looked at him, Kyungsoo had stopped crying. Instead, his gaze was on him, expression fixed with a little bit of wonder, with a touch of that familiar sadness. Acceptance.

“I’m sorry too,” Kyungsoo responded. “and I love you, too.” 

“I’d like to hug you. Can I?”

“Yeah, OK.”

They met in the middle of the room and embraced tightly. Around them, the sunlight through the glass was sharpening into deep oranges and pinks as sunset approached. Chanyeol sensed the pleasing warmth of the sun against his cheeks as he breathed deeply and cleanly with Kyungsoo’s arms set around him. There was a hesitance between them—to be the one to let go. Just like in the airport. Just like Tokyo. Their wedding. Their first official date in the empty dirty street that housed Kyungsoo’s apartment – when he’d hugged him then kissed his forehead until the pale skin turned a tad red. What tended to happen, so Chanyeol imagined, was that they’d both keep score and take turns. 

It was Kyungsoo’s turn but he was hardly stirring.

“You know,” he began. “You can let go. Promise I won’t go anywhere.”

“Promise,” Kyungsoo echoed.

Chanyeol nodded and moved to touch Kyungsoo’s fingers to reach for his pinky—only to pause at the sensation of the wedding ring that the other had continued to wear still on his ring finger. Presumably, his real ring, with the replica now in Chanyeol’s pocket. He still found his pinky and wound his own around it. 

Kyungsoo squeezed his finger right back. The room was growing dark as the orange shades became darker.

“What should we do?” he murmured.

“You should finish your recovery first.” Chanyeol said. “After that, well, we have lives that are separate now. I think it’s time for me to accept that we’ll both have to come back to it one way or another. But whenever you’re ready to talk about us again, we’ll talk about it.”

“About what?” There was a sense of something in Kyungsoo’s tone. He was trying to press him. “What about us?”

Chanyeol smoothed his hand across Kyungsoo’s back in circles as he held him, just a little tighter, immersing himself in the touch, as he said what he said next –

“I don’t know. I don’t know what will happen. If it was up to me, you and Chubby would be living with me in my horrible apartment two hours from now but that’s me being selfish. I don’t want to be selfish anymore. I want to be fair. You need to do what you need to do—and I’ll do what I need to do and maybe, what you need me to do. And at some point, while we’re doing those things, we’ll answer that question between us but we aren’t there yet.”

He sensed it, a slowing in Kyungsoo’s breath, a loosening, an _accepting_ , as he felt him reach up and place a kiss to the side of his cheek.

“OK. Let’s do that. Thanks... I love you,” he said.

Chanyeol said it back. 

“Thanks. I love you.” 

And then Kyungsoo’s arms fell to his sides as he let go. 

\--


	2. Tomorrow

-

It’s nothing short of miraculous. The speed in which Kyungsoo recovers from the accident. He beats the doctor’s estimates. He beats his own. Before he’s even realised just how astounding it was, he’s walking Chubby with Ga-young around their block with no assistance. The daily exercise does him a lot of good and he enjoys the change of scenery. 

It has been a month since he moved back into the apartment he shared with his sister. He’s already forgiven her for everything that’s happened. All of it, in hindsight, gets buried fairly easily – why? Because she’s his sister, because it’s all in the past and because she decides to take care of him now that he’s back home. 

As siblings, they’ve jointly decided to pursue a path of total honesty for this new chapter in siblinghood. This is how Kyungsoo finally gets the surprising admission that she and Sehun have been dating for the past year. He gives her his blessing even though he knows she doesn’t need it—it’s for Sehun’s sake, he tells her. Can you tell him so he stops being a sneak? Although she doesn’t inform him whether she finally did, the fact that Sehun has come to their house and blatantly kissed Ga-young on the cheek in front of him numerous times strongly suggests that he got the message. 

“Will you and Chanyeol get back together?” The question comes as they are crossing the street. There are no cars on the road but the light is red. He holds Ga-young back when she tries to cross. 

“I don’t know,” he tells her. “Do you think we should?”

“I’m not getting involved.” Ga-young frowns as Chubby sniffs at her open-toed sandals. “Chubby—no! Ugh, your dog is so annoying.”

“Don’t say that,” Kyungsoo says with a pout as he smiles down at the dog.

“Can’t you give him back to Chanyeol?” she sighs, “You only took him because you were being spiteful.” 

“No, that’s not true.” The light turns green and they cross. “Chanyeol asked me to take him.”

“He did?” Ga-young blinks. “Really? I didn’t know that.” 

“Yeah he did.” The memory comes to Kyungsoo slowly but clearly, materialising like an image escaping from a fog. 

_  
They’re sitting in Chanyeol’s car. They’ve had the initial mediation for their separation and it’s gone well—as well as it could go anyway. Kyungsoo feels thoroughly numb, parting from a terrible pain in his stomach like he’s been kicked there. The entire meeting goes by and he realises that he’s barely looked at Chanyeol once._

_They return to the car and he’s fidgeting, trying not to be too sad about it. Particularly, because he knows that they’ll have to go through a few more together before it all ends._

_“You should take Chubby. He likes you a lot.” Chanyeol says suddenly._

_This leads Kyungsoo to look at his husband. He looks totally defeated. There are dark circles under his eyes and his lips are chapped._

_“I shouldn’t. You... you rescued him. He’s your dog.” Kyungsoo replied._

_Chanyeol waves his hand before he enters his side of the car._

_“No, he’s... he’s our dog. He’s supposed to be our dog. So you have an equal say in where he goes. You’ve always wanted a dog. I was OK without one. You take him.”_

_“OK, I’ll take him.” Kyungsoo looks at him as he enters the car and puts his belt on. “If you’re sure.”_

_“I’m sure—and you can take anything else you want.” Chanyeol sighs as he starts the car, “Whatever will make this all go faster.”_

__

In the night, he calls Chanyeol. He’s been calling him a lot— at least once a day. Just to check on him. He’s been a bit worried about him ever since he saw the state of Chanyeol’s apartment. His address wasn’t in the friendliest of neighborhoods, although Chanyeol insists that it’s exterior doesn’t properly reflect the homely sense of its people. Perhaps the real issue that Kyungsoo had was with the apartment itself. From his single visit, he gathered that Chanyeol’s home reminded him of hotel rooms, a little cold and obviously lacking in love and homeliness. He’s already planned some things to send him: mainly house plants and maybe frames for photographs. He might even send him photographs. He has plenty of Chanyeol that he can give back. 

He looks through these photographs probably more often than he should. Ga-young really judges him whenever she passes by and she spots him arranging photo albums in the living room. Blushing, he insists that they’re just tools to encourage his memory recall.

“Then why are they all of you and Chanyeol, hmm?” She snaps at the doorway as she looks down at Chubby who rarely lets Kyungsoo out of his sight, “I think your Papa is a very conflicted man, Chubs.” 

Ever obedient, Chubby toddles towards Kyungsoo and licks him. He picks up the dog and nuzzles his nose. And then, he sighs.

“I miss him,” Kyungsoo admits.

“Then call him,” Ga-young says.

“We said we’d take it slow.” Kyungsoo sighs. “I... already called him earlier.”

His sister groans and says something in Mandarin. Oh yes, that reminds Kyungsoo—Ga-young has been progressing well in her language lessons. He’s very proud of her for that.

Eventually he gets some relief in that first month. Kyungsoo prepares a care package for Chanyeol’s home and he comes along to his husband’s apartment with an innocent proposition that he can come and take Chubby whenever he wants. They can go on walks and dog-dates together, limit-free.

“All three of us?” Chanyeol’s eyes light up longingly.

“Um, not all the time. I can’t do too much right now.” Kyungsoo says. 

“Oh, yeah of course. Sorry. I didn’t- I didn’t mean to sound like I want to push you.”

“You didn’t. It’s OK.” 

They’re in the apartment and Chanyeol’s just finished receiving the package and letting him in. Polite, Kyungsoo sits on the olive-coloured couch alone, watching keenly as his host hosts him. 

Of course, the only real thought that crosses his mind at that point is that standing there, in his jeans and shirt, Chanyeol is so— _so handsome_. Even though his apartment is so drabby in comparison. Their previous place, though he can barely remember it, appeared much easier on the eye in pictures. The kitchen was bigger and they had a balcony space that he used for hanging plants. 

Kyungsoo looks down at his feet and wrinkles his nose at the carpet.

If he was to live here, they’d have to do something about that. 

_No, you can’t think like that._ Kyungsoo quickly scolds himself as he watches Chanyeol open his cupboard revealing three mismatched cups. Above the cups, a set of mismatched plates and a cheese grater.

“Do you want some honey-tea?” Chanyeol offers.

_If I live here, I’ll need to buy more cups and plates._

_Damn it._

“Sure, I’d love some.” 

In the corner of the living room, there are weights and a rolled up gym-mat. Kyungsoo narrows his eyes briefly.

_He works out now?_

And then, he recalls Chanyeol’s birthday—particularly the eventful evening that followed—and concluded that he does. He does and he’s done very well. 

_Damn it._

A big part of Kyungsoo’s reunion with his old life took place upon his return to the recording studio. There, his old familiar band mates welcome him and he finally meets Byun Baekhyun, the new drummer, for the first (second) time. The atmosphere between them is a little strange at first, just because of the fact that, apparently, they were very close before the accident. Close— in a friendly way, Baekhyun restates, because he senses that slight bubble of anxiety in Kyungsoo’s voice, 

_Trust me. You always loved that husband of yours._

Little memories trickle into Kyungsoo’s head during the band sessions. The vast majority he places within the year they were in Asia. He clearly enjoyed the trip a lot. Travelling was something he loved and the rest of the band did too. The most frequent memories involve some element of him stepping up onto various stages. Within these visions, Kyungsoo can hear the cheers and see the lights and sense the absolute excitement rushing through him as he sings. 

But there are some outlier memories too. 

_He’s in a hotel room in Ho Chi Minh. They’ve been sharing a room as a group to save on costs. He’s staring at his phone wallpaper—it was a picture of him and Chanyeol of course. Kyungsoo wants to call him but he knows Chanyeol is at work and won’t answer. Some part of him feels a touch overwhelmed by something and he can’t place the feeling. It might have been something to do with the fact that he messed up a few lines in their set that evening. Chanyeol would know what to say to make him feel better. But he’s not online and the discomfort is sitting heavy on his heart and his head._

_“Ah, he’s cute.” Baekhyun appears, falling – no flopping – onto his side of the bed and peering down at his phone, “Your husband?”_

_Kyungsoo nods. “He works a lot,” he says before looking down at his phone. “I wish he came.”_

_“Yeah, I heard he’s an even better drummer than I am.” Baekhyun grins. He tilts his head, catching the emotion in Kyungsoo’s eyes. “You OK?”_

_“Yeah.” Kyungsoo says. “I’m just waiting for him to go online. I want to talk to him.”_

_“Anything I can help with?”_

_Kyungsoo finds himself talking to Baekhyun who listens very well for someone so hyperactive on stage. He talks about his worries, about the set-list, about the fact that he’s finding it hard to sleep because he’s not used to sleeping with so many people in the room, about Chanyeol—mainly about Chanyeol. A lot about Chanyeol. He misses Chanyeol. He’s worried he’s made a misstep about going on tour because of Chanyeol. He’s worried that Chanyeol’s struggling without him there._

_“You know you’re two different people. Two adults. You can live without each other.” Baekhyun tells him, “I’m sure he doesn’t need you to remind him to take his allergy pills.”_

_“I like reminding him.” Kyungsoo tells Baekhyun, in that tone that married people use when talking to their single friends. It’s not intentionally proud or grazing but has the capacity to sound as such. “I like making sure he’s OK. I just worry a lot. He’s very clumsy...and it will be bug season soon and he gets very weird about bugs... ”_

_The conversation ends when Chanyeol calls him back. Kyungsoo’s excited and Baekhyun leaves the room, smiling, mouthing that he’s going to go and give them some privacy. When he returns, Kyungsoo tells him that Chanyeol said hello—_

_“Did he really?” Baekhyun says with a smile._

_“Yeah,” Kyungsoo responds. “He also said to remind you that you need to stay six feet away from me at all times.”_

_Baekhyun laughs._

_“He’s still not over what happened at White Noise?”_

_“Nope.” Kyungsoo grins, “He’s going to hold that over you, forever.”_

_“Aw, well I guess we can’t shower together!!”_

_“Only if you ask for my husband’s permission,” Kyungsoo jokes with a smile._

__

They stay close throughout the tour and afterward. Knowing that Baekhyun knew so much about him, Kyungsoo allows him to fill in some of the gaps of questions that lingered over his head. Most were related to the band and their work, but some were a little more private and specific. For example, through speaking to Baekhyun, he finds out that there was a period of two months where he became very obsessed with horror movies and watched two a day to pass the time. In addition to that, he discovers that Baekhyun helped him open up an online dating account not long before the accident _and_ helped him land his first date.

The thought of going on a date with a stranger makes Kyungsoo feel deeply uncomfortable when he thinks about it. It didn’t feel like something he would’ve wanted to do, having not completed his divorce yet. Baekhyun says that he had just wanted him to try something to ease his loneliness a little. It was just a little fun. 

Kyungsoo has a recollection of said date not long after the conversation and remembers just how un-fun it was. 

_  
The man he’s been seeing is named Seonho and he is a little older than him. He’s smiley and goofy and reminds Kyungsoo a little of his ex at times that he becomes warier of his own reactions. He is sure that he’s coming off more and more stand-offish at their dates even when, objectively, they are getting better._

_Seonho is an artist. He works freelance and is very talented. Already, Kyungsoo’s seen his work at the modern art museum under the large school he’s a part of. He has all the time in the world, he tells Kyungsoo once and it never leaves his mind just how fondly that thought settled in his heart._

_They haven’t engaged in any physical contact. The furthest Seonho’s gone is holding his hand. He shows understanding about Kyungsoo’s situation – about the fact that he’s divorcing his first love, about how difficult it must be. But Kyungsoo actively refuses to talk more about it, because the thought of talking about Chanyeol with another man he’s potentially building something with makes him feel queasy._

_It goes OK, their third date. It was at the movies and Kyungsoo nearly falls asleep during the long slow part in the middle when the protagonists do a lot of research. It was as they’re walking home that it happens. Seonho stops him with a – “Woah!” – and he points across the street at the biggest cherry blossom tree. It’s huge and full of pale pink blossoms. The rest of the trees lined along the street are still fairly bare, but this one, has practically blossomed fully overnight._

_Seonho drags him across and talks excitedly about the time he went to Tokyo and attended the cherry blossom festival._

_When he looks down at Kyungsoo again, Kyungsoo is already far gone as he ugly sobs into his hands._

__

For his own reference, Kyungsoo took some time to recall it and remembered the exact details of the White Noise incident with Baekhyun:

White Noise was the bar that hosted Baekhyun’s debut as the new drummer for X-O. It was a big event attended by friends and family to welcome the new line-up for the band. In the middle of a discussion with a group, Baekhyun, drunk on cocktails and lazy with faces, asked whether anyone knew whether the lead singer was single – because he was definitely his type.

“He’s your type?” One of the men asked him with a dry smile.

Baekhyun nodded, totally unperturbed by the shocked faces of the others around him.

“Well, he’s my husband.” The man clarified, gesturing towards his wedding ring as he waved Kyungsoo over. 

The unknown man in the story was Chanyeol and he had remained ever so subtly wary of Baekhyun ever since. Apparently Kyungsoo had always found the whole thing very funny as he was under the impression that Baekhyun was actually Chanyeol’s type.

Still, Baekhyun was a drummer with tattoos and there was no doubting that Chanyeol always shook his hand the firmest and the longest on the once or twice they’d met.

As for Seonho – Kyungsoo catches up with Seonho by accident after they meet each other at one of his favourite coffee places in the city. They greet each other politely and cheerily before catching up. Ever kind, Seonho completes Kyungsoo’s fuzzy memory of their last date by saying that he took him home directly afterwards. 

“You missed him. Your ex,” Seonho tells him. “Did you speak to him after?”

Kyungsoo says yes as he fingers the wedding ring, which he hasn’t removed since he replaced the replica at the lake house.

The yuletide holidays pass him by. Kyungsoo spends the bulk of it with Ga-young and Sehun on vacation. He’s aware of the potential of coming across as an irritating third-wheel but they insist that he comes and they have fun in the winter retreat. Chubby stays with Chanyeol— and they face time a couple of times even then.

What happens after Christmas? Birthdays. Like a novelty, Ga-young and Kyungsoo’s are a week apart and it is tradition that they celebrate together. With his sister turning twenty-five, a large party is hosted at their parents’ city residence. For reference, the city residence is also known to their friends as the ‘MTV Loverat Mansion’, because it was bought by their father from a local celebrity about fifteen years ago as part of his atonement for cheating on their mother with an old flame. It looks impressive and whilst it’s mainly used now as a filming facility, it also often plays host to family parties. 

Everyone who is anyone is invited. The theme was ‘Lucky Red’ and the place is smothered with all shades of it. From above, it must look like a moving red rose garden. 

Kyungsoo manages to shoulder his obligations as birthday boy for a few hours. He receives the presents, he receives his family, he finds joy in meeting old friends and spending some time with new ones even when he barely remembers them. But the mixture of their questions overwhelm him: they all want to hear about the accident, comment on his marriage – on the progress of the band – on his current living arrangements. 

And before long, he is absolutely exhausted and sick. Sick of the presents. Sick of his family. Sick of his friends. The place is too full of people and too alive with the party spirit to really take any notice of him so when he hides, nobody asks any questions. He takes a bag of spicy chips to his favourite guest bedroom, shuts the door behind him, and hides under the covers. And then, he continues to watch the final season of _Game of Thrones_ which, unfortunately, fell prey to his amnesia and therefore he could not remember it. 

“Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo freezes, mid-chip and mid-episode. He hides the phone under the pillowcase and stays still, hoping the figure will go away in time. But his hopes are dashed when he feels the bed dip as the stranger sits on it.

“It’s Chanyeol.” 

The comforter is thrown back. “Chanyeol?” he calls out. “What is it?”

“Sorry I’m late. I was looking for you but I couldn’t find you. Happy birthday.” In the dark, his shape clears. “Why are you here? Are you not feeling well?” 

“I just needed a break,” Kyungsoo admits. “Sorry,” he adds. “Don’t let me keep you from the party—“

“Are you kidding?” Chanyeol places a hand on the sheets and pats it. “Can I join or do you want me to go?”

The query is considered with serious eyes but Kyungsoo’s heart has already decided for him. He shifts, taking care not to crumple the snack bag as Chanyeol moves into the bed and squishes himself right behind him. 

They haven’t been this close since leaving the lakehouse – but prior to the lakehouse they were never apart. Kyungsoo can’t deny how difficult it has been adjusting to life without something he’s enjoyed - a warm body to sleep next to. Mainly because he associates it with so many nice things: comfort, love, Chanyeol, and sleep. Already, Kyungsoo was sensing the effects with his brain being completely confused and thinking that the newfound addition of Chanyeol means sleep time.. But it might be nice, he contests, because his sleep has been staggered as of late. 

He yawns softly as he turns to face Chanyeol but finds that he’s mistakenly underappreciated just how close their faces would be. They’re close enough to breathe on each other and he looks at Chanyeol’s lips before his eyes.

“How’s work?” he blurts out to ease the strange silence.

“Good. I’m a bit tired. How about you? Was the party super boring or?”

“A little.”

They can’t talk properly like this and Kyungsoo moves his head back in response. Chanyeol laughs and does the same until they’re unnaturally apart. It was only here that he appreciates the true size of the guest bed.

“Better?” Chanyeol asks.

Kyungsoo thinks about it and then shakes his head. “No,” he says, “I want to be closer.”

“Alrighty. Come here.” 

Chanyeol rolls in comfortably until they are undeniably close. They’re embracing. Kyungsoo’s head presses against his husband’s chest as the other strokes his hair in a peaceful rhythm. Behind the door, they can hear the party music and the occasional footstep. Otherwise, they’re alone in their haven and Chanyeol is still warm because he’s always so nice and warm. It must be the benefit of having a large surface area to keep all the warmth. 

In his consoled state, Kyungsoo tells Chanyeol about his gripes with the party. The poor music. The lack of spicy food. The fact that his parents sent an invite to all their friends – including his high school ex-boyfriend who he never wanted to see again but had to embrace because it was party politeness. He shares them but quickly finds that they shed their air of importance the moment he tells Chanyeol. He couldn’t hold a bad thought- when he was feeling so good. 

“I might fall asleep,” Kyungsoo hums, drawing a breath in, his husband’s familiar cologne included.

“That’s OK.” Chanyeol responds. 

“M—miss you,” The words come out as he yawns, eyes heavy, “I miss you.”

“Me too.” Chanyeol’s large hand rests on Kyungsoo’s cheek and it feels indescribably nice. He leans into the touch subtly. Then, with barely any conscious thought, Kyungsoo takes his husband’s hand and places a kiss on it – and then plants another on the finger with his wedding ring.

At some point, the hand is swapped with lips and they’re kissing and it’s _lovely_. Kyungsoo rarely admits to being sensitive to touch but it’s so obvious what occurs when he goes without. Particularly, his husband’s touch. He’s been feeling markedly restless for a while and has only now found calm, in familiar arms, with familiar lips.

They kiss softly and slowly – sleepily, in a sense. The sounds of the party fade as he feels Chanyeol’s fingers stroke his cheek in tender motions. He focuses on the weight of his touch and it guides him to a thought. One he had wanted to discuss with him.

“I’m withdrawing the divorce paperwork,” Kyungsoo says against Chanyeol’s lips. 

The other pauses and moves back. 

“It’s an administrative thing,” continues Kyungsoo. “It’s been outstanding for a few months and I’m going to respond with a withdrawal. So you’ll get notified soon.”

“Oh. OK. But, uh, what does that mean? For us. I mean.”

Chanyeol’s voice is full of anticipation of good news. Kyungsoo ponders the question momentarily as his lips prickle with the sensations of the kisses. 

“It means I can’t file another new application for three months.” Kyungsoo says, before his expression softens, “And it also means that you’ll stay being my husband.” 

“I’ll stay being your husband,” Chanyeol repeats.

Kyungsoo gets what Chanyeol is asking. So he attempts to clarify what exactly it means but finds that it’s harder than it appears.

“It doesn’t mean I’m moving in with you.. It doesn’t mean everything’s OK. I don’t know really know what exactly it means. I haven’t thought that far. But I know that I can’t sign those papers with what I feel. I can’t. I _won’t_. So I have to withdraw them.”

“OK,” Chanyeol says. It is too dark to see his face but Kyungsoo imagines it contains some sense of a happy emotion from the lift in his voice. Just from the single word, it sounds like he’s got the news that he wanted. 

“So I have a three-month trial run?” Chanyeol asks. 

“What?” Kyungsoo blinks.

“In three months time, you’ll have the opportunity to submit the paper work again. This means, that for three months, I’ll have the chance to show you that you don’t have to.” 

And then, Chanyeol kisses him, longingly on the lips.

“God. I’ll make sure you won’t have to,” he murmurs. 

No broken marriage can be fixed with kisses or pillowtalk. Kyungsoo was sure that the needs of the repairing process would far exceed the capabilities of those two powerful things. But on a bed, with touch-starved lips and the man he wants, Kyungsoo finds himself caught in the belief that it could be that simple. A sudden happiness strikes him, chest-deep, and he smiles, full of emotion and want, as he kisses Chanyeol back.

Utterly lost in themselves, they end up on top of each other, passionately kissing and with a pending decision to make. In the end, it was Kyungsoo’s phone automatically playing the next episode out loud that makes it for them. They spend the night cuddled up watching the episode on Kyungsoo’s phone – a throwback to the other birthdays they’ve spent together. Chanyeol does his best not to spoil what happens during the finale and fails. Kyungsoo pinches him when he realises. They exchange gentle kisses and whispers in between arguing.

But all good nights come to their ends in time. 

Chanyeol goes home despite Kyungsoo’s parents insisting that he can stay and they _totally_ won’t say anything about the fact that he had spent the entire party in the same bedroom that their son has claimed as his room for the evening. 

Kyungsoo had wanted to keep him but sent him home anyway. When the party music stopped and all they had in the room was silence, he became overwhelmed by their discussion and knew immediately that he wanted space to think. The decision and the foresight behind his decision is fuzzy to him until it clears – at the sight of his parents after the party. Like a child on the stairwell, he watched as his parents waved off their final guests before shutting the door and separating, silent, each moving towards opposing ends of the house. One will reach for the wine. The other, likely, a remote. They won’t speak until their next schedule in a few days when they attend another party.

He rubs his eyes, feeling lost and sad.

_Kyungsoo’s relationship with his mother wasn’t the best – but it’s better than the one with his father. He’s not sure whether it’s guided by some filial instinct but she’s one of the first people he seeks solace in about the divorce. He does it because he wants comfort. He wants a hug. He wants to be told that he’s doing the right thing._

_Instead, what he receives is a short and inappropriate inquisition. She sits him down, pours him a glass and looks at him straight in the eyes. Are you sure you’re thinking about this thoroughly, dear? Divorce is a very serious thing. What Chanyeol did- are you sure it demands something so drastic? Have you thought about other possibilities? It’s just a bump on the road, dear. All marriages have those._

_And then the classic line makes an appearance–_

_Your father and I...._

_And right then, finally, and a little cruelly, Kyungsoo laughs. He laughs because he wants so much to cry. The hurt in his chest twists into one of genuine sorrow. He wishes he could call Chanyeol at that moment just to ask him whether he was happy. He would’ve said -_

_Are you happy? Are you happy that you’ve turned us into them?_

There was no doubt that formalising their separation was Kyungsoo’s way of distinguishing his situation from his parents. He couldn’t bear the thought of living the way that they did. To live unhappily with the debris of a broken love was no way of living. Fresh from leaving his husband in their apartment, Kyungsoo couldn’t see any other freedom from that future than separating from Chanyeol permanently – even when the very thought often caused him to break down every time he discussed it with anyone. 

He couldn’t be like them. He _won’t_. Even if the price of it were to be subject to the deepest sadness he’d ever felt in his life.

Now, following the accident, the air around his thoughts appeared clearer. Kyungsoo felt like he could think more practically about things and resist being dragged down by similar consuming impulses. And what he thought about doing next, following the withdrawal of divorce papers, was something Ga-young had suggested to him. 

“You should talk to someone,” she told him. “Both of you.”

“Who?” he asked.

“A third party.” She clarified. “A counselor that can help you two work through it.” 

Then she picks Chubby up and hands him to Kyungsoo.

“Do it for your son,” she adds wryly. 

As the year approached its mid-point, Kyungsoo found himself increasingly shuttled between three places: the recording studio, home and the office of the relationship counselor that him and Chanyeol found to talk them through their marriage. Chanyeol had been happy to accept the invitation to see a counselor, although it was obvious that he didn’t really know what exactly it meant. Ever since he’d been notified that the divorce process had been officially halted, there had been a feeling about Chanyeol’s actions that suggested that he saw their relationship as somewhat renewed.

Yes, it feels like that sometimes. But the fact that it doesn’t feel like that all the time to Kyungsoo spoke of something worth studying further. If he can’t welcome him into his heart fully again, then it didn’t matter how much they loved each other. It will not be enough. And Kyungsoo knows this because he _feels_ it. His love for Chanyeol locked in a constant battle with the broken face of his trust. 

The counselor is kind and thorough in her sessions. The first handful of sessions is fairly easy, fixated on the early observations of their relationship and marriage. Chanyeol is more outspoken than Kyungsoo – he shares easily, like a peppy child in class, and doesn’t hesitate pouring his heart out about how he fell in love with Kyungsoo at their first date and knew he had found the man he wanted to marry. Kyungsoo feels the same but portrays it with comparably less energy. He’s a little shy when he describes how delighted he felt about Chanyeol when he proposed to him in bed one night out of the blue. 

When she asks what their favourite early memory of each other was, Chanyeol has three in his pocket ready to go. Kyungsoo manages to find one even though his true answer was _everything_. 

The memory he shared was this: 

“When Chanyeol was drunk, he used to send me voicemails where he sings and rhymes Kyungsoo with random words. I used to wake up in the morning and laugh with my roommate.” 

“I think I still did that even when we were married...”

“You did.” Kyungsoo said with a laugh. 

The next sessions were set on slowly unwrapping the layers of their marriage. This was harder to do. The counselor does an expert job in letting them venture through the subjects one by one without overwhelming themselves – Chanyeol’s job change, their conflicts in schedules and workload, the financial pressures. Kyungsoo learns about new things – like Chanyeol’s fears about their future, about the isolation of losing the majority of his friends at his career change – and when they all pieced it together it became clear how frequently they fought about the same things in different manners and times.

“We stopped talking to each other.”

Chanyeol makes that observation towards the end of one session as he looks towards Kyungsoo sadly, “—which is crazy, because we love talking to each other.” 

“Why do you think you stopped?” the counselor asks.

Chanyeol struggles to answer so Kyungsoo comes to his aid.

“We wanted our relationship to be perfect—to be as happy like it was on day one. I think a part of why we stopped talking was because it means admitting that it’s not like that any more. It’s different now. And that’s scary. I don’t think we ever thought it would ever be like that.”

Chanyeol nods in agreement as he reaches for Kyungsoo’s hand and squeezes it.

Apparently communication issues were very common in young couples and she suggests specific techniques to make the initial approach easier for the two of their differing personalities. Kyungsoo senses that these communication bumps were the sort of mistakes that can be avoided more easily the second time. Because the fear that exists about missteps and misunderstandings that may have stopped him before didn’t really exist any more. Chanyeol feels so close to him nowadays. There was no real distance. But she emphasises the idea of practice and assembly; how the stability they wanted was something they had to build continually through their marriage to make it stronger. These were things that improve with intention and with patience. Kyungsoo agrees and takes note. 

It all progresses well and good until the talks turned to Chanyeol’s infidelity.

In the first session, the counselor asks Chanyeol to talk them through it and he does – openly – with all the details that Kyungsoo remembers, associated with some things that he doesn’t. Like how Chanyeol was friends with the temp before they slept together. How the two counts of cheating that followed the initial occurred over a period of weeks not days. At one point, as the story comes to an end, Kyungsoo realises that he’s stopped listening. His fingers have begun to dig into the fabric arm of the couch as he blinks away tears. 

“Kyungsoo?” The counselor asks. “Are you OK?”

She repeats the question once more before he finally hears it and responds. 

Kyungsoo lifts a hand to his wet cheek before wiping away the tears that had fallen.

“Yes,” he looks up, dazed, before glancing at Chanyeol and then finally, the door – “Actually, no. No. I’m sorry. Sorry. I... I want to go-“

He leaves the room, picking up his things as he does so. He’s already found his way to the lobby when Chanyeol catches up with him. Concern resonates from Chanyeol like an echo – he offers to drive Kyungsoo somewhere where they can talk, eat, work through it and then he resolves to just take him home. They take the conversation outside and Kyungsoo calls for a taxi that drives up to the pavement at the right time.

“Kyungsoo,” Chanyeol looks utterly defeated. He’s got a hand on Kyungsoo’s bag, drawing him back. “Please. I’m here. Talk to me. Don’t go.”

The taxi door automatically opens for him. Kyungsoo switches his gaze between the door and Chanyeol’s hand before it all bubbles to the surface. He cries in the judgment of open daylight for the first time in a long time. His heart feels brutally heavy as he buries his face into his hands before he feels Chanyeol pull him to his chest. He murmurs sweet words into his hair as he rocks him gently in an embrace.

His husband’s sweet words, Kyungsoo discovers as his sobs subside, were apologies.

The counselor’s office was not far from a mall. Chanyeol takes them out to dessert at an ice cream parlour inside it. He buys two sundaes that seem larger than their faces and they eat in calm silence with the small weekday crowd of tourists and the hungover. At some point, their eyes meet and the air between them feels somber. But then, Kyungsoo reaches out with a napkin and wipes the fudge off the corner of Chanyeol’s lips. They both smile. The somberness withdraws. They exchange a bit of their sundaes. Chanyeol gives up the walnuts on his and tries the caramel bar that Kyungsoo opted not to eat. There’s an instrumental song playing on the restaurant radio that they both try to guess (wrongly). 

They finish off their food and walk out of the parlour into a very quiet mall floor. 

“You want to go eat something else? I think there’s a nice Thai place down the other end.” Chanyeol asks. 

He’s holding Kyungsoo’s hand. He hasn’t let go of him since they left their table. Kyungsoo looks at him, and then at their hands, and then he says – 

“Sorry about walking out. It’s just that hearing about it all again... it still makes me really upset.”

Chanyeol’s eyes soften with understanding as he nods his head. 

“I know. I hate it too... and I really hate making you cry but I don’t think we can move forwards without talking about it.” 

They walk through the floor as he talks, with Kyungsoo eagerly listening, fingers entwined in his.

“Even though it hurts every time we talk about it... I’m doing all of this because I never want to see divorce papers in my hand again... I never want to see you leave our home or take off your wedding ring ever again. I’ll do whatever it takes to gain your trust, so that you can feel like you can come home with me. I know it won’t happen tomorrow or probably a lot of tomorrows and that’s okay. But I want you to know that I’m willing to work towards getting this second chance with you. You’re my husband. You’re my family. And you’re the only one I want to share my future with.” 

The words were words but his eyes tell Kyungsoo everything. He means what he says. And in response, Kyungsoo nods and squeezes his hand before saying,

“I think the Thai Place is the opposite way,” – and then he kisses him once on the lips. For understanding.

Twice. For love.

The memory repeats in Kyungsoo’s head at their next session. As the counselor asks about how he’s doing from last week, his response was confidently delivered. 

“I want to trust him again,” Kyungsoo says, emotion breaching his tone as he glances at Chanyeol with a smile, “I want this to work out.” 

They try the conversation again. The infidelity. Chanyeol confides to the room his reasons for his actions, touches on what he felt, but mainly, it was clear that it was a subject that Kyungsoo is supposed to take and he finally does. He lets go. He opens up. He cries, again, when talking about how devastated he was when he found out that Chanyeol had been unfaithful. 

“ _It’s like my world stopped and fell out of axis. I gave in and I gave up on him._ ”

It was beyond emotional. Talking about it made him feel like he couldn’t breathe when actually, it was probably him breathing freely for the first time. He speaks about his parents, stunning Chanyeol who never appreciated the extent of his family’s affairs, and cries about his fears of living through a broken marriage. It was as he was describing their relationship in the presence of Chanyeol that he ultimately realises how different this all was. His life – his marriage - is his own. The mistakes of his parents remain theirs. He ends it all by repeating how much he loves his husband; how much he loved being married; and how much he values the fact that they’re doing this together.

Following the session, Chanyeol embraces him so tightly in his car and for such a long time that they almost overstay his parking ticket. 

The memories of what happened there blurred with the emotional drain of the session but Kyungsoo could recall something. An image of Chanyeol holding his face as he tells him something he needed to hear then. Something which brought some of his turmoil to a standstill.

“Kyungsoo. Listen to me. What I did. It wasn’t a failure on your part, OK? It was _my_ choice. My mistake. My burden. It has nothing to do with what you did or didn’t give me. Your love and your trust – that’s all I wanted for us. And you have always been more than enough for me.” 

An unspeakable heaviness eased from the middle of Kyungsoo’s chest as he breathed deeply in his husband’s embrance. 

And midway between that counseling session and the next, Kyungsoo realises that he has forgiven him. 

Unsurprisingly, the occasional noise would still arise in Kyungsoo’s head. As per his deepest fear, did he want to play fool to a man who broke him and his trust once already? 

But through enduring life’s challenges – and through th counseling – Kyungsoo was taught that there was a lot in life that must be blindly based on trust. Love, especially. He couldn’t predict the successful trajectory of his future even if he tried and whilst there is temptation in making choices chained to fear – the alternative, which is to reject fear, and to choose _happiness_ , and to choose _forgiveness_ , makes every possible consequence feel survivable. He couldn’t picture regretting choosing to love over accepting loss. 

And he couldn’t regret choosing him because he never had. Not even when it was difficult, not even when he cried desperately over him. It was either pure stupidity or pure love - Kyungsoo thinks, as they silently pass the three month mark, sitting together at a late-night cinema screening with Chanyeol dozing serenely on his shoulder. He shifts and feels the weight of Chanyeol’s fingers around his. His heart flutters and then settles; it’s definitely love, he can confirm. 

A few weeks have passed since their course of counselling officially concluded. A week has passed since Kyungsoo asked Ga-young whether she knew any reasonably priced movers in the city. Tonight is the night when Kyungsoo has decided to ask Chanyeol whether he would like to move in together again. 

Tonight is when he finally, officially, comes home.

The sentiment behind the question is so overwhelming that it takes a while for the right moment to arise. Just the right pause for Kyungsoo to tell Chanyeol that he’s got something important to tell him. They’ve been going on dates quite frequently so Kyungsoo knew that the best time to talk was always after the movie and before food. Unfortunately, when Kyungsoo delivered the question, Chanyeol made the funny assumption that it’s something to do with his restaurant choice. 

“We can go BBQ. I don’t mind. I know I said I minded because I’m trying to eat less meat. But I’m kinda hungry now so, let’s go for it.” Chanyeol says earnestly.

Kyungsoo smiles and laughs. They’re outside the cinema and Chanyeol is on his phone looking at directions.

“Why don’t we have dinner at home?” Kyungsoo asks. 

Chanyeol’s eyes remain on his phone. “Sure,” he says. “Yours or mine?”

“Ours.”

Their one shared moment stretches to two. Chanyeol stops just as he’s about to nod his head and looks up with wide-eyes. His confusion is washed over by something softer, but stronger, as he turns to Kyungsoo full of hope like he always is. Except this time, Kyungsoo is full of the same hope too. For the first time in a very long time, they reflect each other perfectly.

“Do you mean?” Chanyeol speaks slowly as he comes closer until they’re almost chest-to-chest. “You want to come home?” 

Kyungsoo nods. “If you’ve got room. For a singer and his dog.”

“Yeah, I think I do.” Within seconds, Chanyeol is crying but he’s _happy_. He wipes his eyes with two large hands as he laughs– “We might have to share a bed—“

“I can do that. I’d like that a lot actually.” 

“Yeah? Sure. OK. Let’s do it. Let’s go home. I’ll take you home, Kyungsoo. Right now. God!”

Without a warning, Chanyeol draws him into a tight embrace. Kyungsoo hugs him back, before he reaches up and kisses his lips softly. The night air is cool on his cheeks as they warm with colour and affection. Then he looks up at his husband – _his husband_ \- and aches for home. Their home.

“I love you,” Kyungsoo says. 

Chanyeol remains so speechless that it takes him a moment. But then it eventually comes, delivered as always with that handsome drummer’s smile that Kyungsoo fell for and continues to fall for. 

“I love you.” 

He says it once in the open and then again in Kyungsoo’s ear as he picks him up from the pavement, laughing, as he pats his pockets excitedly for his car keys.

“I can’t find them,” he says in a panic.

“Don’t worry. I put them in my pocket.” 

Along with his phone and wallet. He was always leaving them in weird places. What would he do without him? Kyungsoo smiles at the thought and then at him as he tangles their fingers together and excitedly pulls him along the pavement. 

\--

_Epilogue._

\--

The showcase for X-O’s debut album happens in an old familiar joint in the city. Technically, Chanyeol has VIP admission but he couldn’t take advantage of it because of work hours and public transport giving up on him. So he shuffles in with everyone else, just missing the opening act and found him in the middle of the stuffy sold-out con, just as Kyungsoo is stepping out onto the stage to generous applause. The rest of the band comes out after him.

The stage lights are mercilessly bright. Kyungsoo’s eyes are closed as he sings the opening note – rich, strong and beautiful. He is dressed in black, all casual. His hands are clasped tight around the microphone as he sings the verse passionately, in pure acoustic, capturing the room, drawing awe and attention.

And then cue drums – 

The cheers. Dancing.

Around the middle of the set, it slows right down. 

Kyungsoo is alone on the stage with Yixing on piano. The next song to be performed is called _Thanks (I Love You)_. Sat on a high stool, he tells the audience that the song was composed just like a love story with a beginning, middle and end. It begins when you first meet someone and fall in love, the middle is for all the good stuff that happens when you’re in love, and the end – 

“The end. Well, the song says that there is no end to love. Even when the story ends, and everyone goes their different paths, love remains in some way. That’s the most special thing about it. That’s why it’s worth having.” Kyungsoo says. 

The song is not for the album. It is for a special stage. Tonight. It is a song that he wrote with Chanyeol. And when he sings it, it’s only for him. It’s only ever been for him.

Even in the dark, Kyungsoo catches his husband’s shocked and happy expression and subsequent thumbs up as the music begins to play. The singer smiles and draws his hands to his lips, sending him a kiss as the melody starts.

 _This is my dream_ , he thinks, smiling, as he starts to sing, content and loved - _Just like I pictured._

\--

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: i rarely write things in one go. i rarely write things all at once :’) so the first thing i’d like to say is thank god haha it’s here.
> 
> this was a product of many weeks of writing and I’m really happy to be able to share this as a complete thing. this was a character study that came to me after watching Marriage Story— i apologise for the lateness of the epilogue. Basically, i had a whole short epilogue ready but then there were some questions about baeksoo and i thought !!! let’s go address !!! and then thought !!! wait!!! How would pcy even kno this? So i rewrote everything because i thought it might be more interesting from ksoo’s side and it was. So thanks for that :D 
> 
> so if you got here, thanks so much for reading and for all the nice comments q___q i’m so touched thank you. I’ve written a lot of romances in my time and this was one of the most interesting of them all haha <3 i hope you are all keeping safe and busy during this worldwide chaos. Also below i’ve shared some songs below that i listened to, to help me write in case anyone likes that sorta thing ^_^ 
> 
> -  
> grow as we go (ben platt), ordinary people (john legend), you were good to me (jeremy zucker), dear april (frank ocean), marriage story soundtrack (particularly, the ‘what i love about...’ pair), before you go + hold me while you wait (lewis capaldi), gravity (sara bareilles), i will spend my whole life loving you (imaginary future), all i want (kodaline), don’t you let me go (michael schulte), falling (harry styles), angel (finneas), falling like the stars (james arthur), musta been something (lake street dive) break my heart again (finneas), wait (exo), for life (exo) 
> 
> -

**Author's Note:**

> -  
> let's take a breather ! whew !
> 
> i have an epilogue that will come :) thank you so much for reading. (and longer a/n will come too hehe.)
> 
> EDIT: i have decided to make an amendment to epilogue, so it will come but not necessarily tomorrow! this week though :) thanks for being patient!


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